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Oct
18

Fallout From Divorce: The 4 Fs

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No, heart-brokenthis isn’t about final grades, although I know we’re close to the end of the school year.

This blog is about the Fallout From Divorce. So, I’m going to talk about divorce in a marriage blog. Weird, huh? But as I’ve talked to so many people over the years, I’ve learned that is is actually quite good to talk about divorce in order to strengthen one’s marriage. Let me explain.

Most unhappy people think something like this: “I’m unhappy in my marriage; I’m tired of my husband. No one else has it as bad as I do.” So, they entertain the thoughts of leaving, of divorcing their spouse. They may or may not try counseling. And that counseling may or not be ‘successful.’ They start the divorce proceedings. They break the news to their family: The first F.

People do not have any idea how their family or their in-laws will respond to their announcement. Sometimes they think “It’ll be fine; they know how much we fight. They’ will understand where I’m coming from. It’s no big deal.” What they don’t realize is is that it will change their Family’s structure, how they relate to one another. People usually shy away thinking they don’t want to take sides and all. So they inadvertently ignore you. You stand to lose 2 families! Your great sister-in-law may now feel obligated to withdraw from you, especially if you’re the one initiating the divorce. Blood is thicker than water they say, and weddings, funerals and divorces will attest to that in some cases. If there’s kids from a previous marriage involved, what happens to them? Am I now called “my ex-stepmother”?

Holidays will be difficult.

The 2nd F: Your friends, or at least, couple friends will also change. You’re the odd woman out now. You’re divorced so it’s awkward to go to a party where’s there’s only couples.You may even NOT get invited, so as to spare you the pain of rejection. But it’ll still be painful and lonely sitting at home alone. Work parties where spouses are usually invited are now difficult. Our culture is still built on traditional family: husband, wife, and children.

The 3rd F: Furniture. Who would have thought that? But divorced couples have to divide up or get rid of all that furniture. It may be too painful to see that sectional now, ya know, the one WE bought together to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. This could also be expensive fallout from the divorce. Downsizing your house, selling it, moving. All that takes energy, money, and time. It’s a big project. Hard to do too, even under the best circumstances.

The 4th F: Food. Again, who thinks of that? Cooking for 4, but now for 2 or just one. Going out to eat alone? How much fun is that? Eating salad for 5 nights because they make them for families.

The 5th F: Familiarity. Most divorced people I know say that one of the hardest things to get used to is coming home to an empty house or apartment. All familiarity is gone or drastically changed. Kids may only be here one week on, one week gone. What once was so busy, noisy, and familiar is now eerily quiet. The coming and going of kids and the dropping off and picking up. Everything has changed.

So, don’t buy into the lie that “divorce is the answer” to your marital problems. I read somewhere, “Marriage is grand, but divorce is hundred grand” meaning it costs $100,000. It does costs that much in emotional pain and injuries, lawyers’ fees, and all the changes that would have to have happened. Plus, you never truly get “rid of” your spouse: there’s usually enough things and or people or relationships around that will remind you of him.

Think about it: all the things you did with your spouse in the beginning will now be undone: the picking out of gifts, where you’ll live, what you’ll do job wise or where you’ll do it.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Pam Bass is a wife, mom, and licensed Christian counselor, who has helped hundreds of people over the last 23 years.  She desires wives especially to be cognizant of the way the American culture can influence our stated Christian values.  Through her blog, she hopes to encourage women (in particular) to  know and trust what God tells us in His word.  Find out more at www.pambass.com

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