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Archive for Humor

Jul
13

To Stink, or Not to Stink, That is the Question

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question manThere are all kinds of questions in this world of ours. Most are rather annoying. It would not surprise me in the least if there were a gang of hooligans somewhere hired to make up silly questions. If I could find this gang, I would disperse them immediately, without a question.

Of course, there is the fact that the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage is in cahoots with these question-maker-uppers. Every once in a while she comes up with questions for Yours Truly.

It is not the questions I object to but rather the answers I am supposed to give in connection to the questions. My wife has a silly notion that the answers I give should be in direct correlation to the questions she asked. Who made up this rule? Oops, that was a question. Sorry about that.

It is my opinion, and mine alone, especially in my home, that if I am asked a question I should have the option to give the answer I want to give whether it relates to the question or not. My wife insists my answer should be a response to her question.

More times than I care to admit, when my wife is asking her second question, I am still thinking about her first question. By the time she had gotten to her sixth question, I have formed an answer for that first question. And when she asks her tenth question, I am answering her first question.

It is all very confusing to me because she always says, ”That was not what I asked you?” It was but she was so far ahead of me that it is virtually impossible for me to catch up. So, if I cannot catch up, I catch flak.

Last week, for example, she put to me a very penetrating question. ”What is that awful smell?”

I would not have taken offense to the question so much, but she was looking straight at me when she posed it. What I took from the question was that I, for some reason unbeknownst to me, smelled pretty bad. Even though it was not Saturday night, I took the hint and marched my raunchy body to the bathroom for a bath.

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Jul
06

Can Two Walk Together, Except They Be Going to the Same Store?

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After about a million days of toil, sweat and aggravation, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and I decided to take a few days off and relax.

I am not a real expert when it comes to relaxing. I have not pursued a PhD in relaxing and therefore it is a foreign theme to me.

Of course, I have advised many people to chill out, relax a little bit and not get so excited about things. What doctor do you know who takes his own medicine? Or, what pastor do you know that listens to his own sermon?

I could preach a sermon to beat all sermons on relaxing and not getting so uptight about things. You would think after listening to some of these sermons that I was an expert in this area. My expertise is only in telling other people what they should be doing. I do not have time to listen to my own sermons.

My wife and I realized a month or so ago that we have not taken a day off in over six months. Actually, we were trying to figure out the last time we did take a day off.

“I think,” my wife said most reflectively, “that we should take a day off and relax.”

It has been my policy throughout my marital life to not disagree with my wife. This was one of those times when I was in full agreement with her statement. It doesn’t happen often, when it does, it is time to celebrate.

For us, a couple days off takes a couple months of planning and when I say planning, I mean planning.

We had to coordinate the date with the rest of our family, and with the church schedule.

I fully understand that the church will run quite well without me, but I have conned myself into believing that it can’t. That means, I have to make special plans for when I take a day off.

It did not take me long to rearrange my schedule, but it was a different story with my wife.

She had to coordinate her schedule for a couple days off with both of the daughter’s schedule because she watched the grandchildren while the parents were working. It took several months for her to coordinate all of the schedules and finally, voilà, we arranged a time that we could “leave Dodge,” and head to St. Augustine for a couple days off.

We left after the Sunday evening service and our plan was to return Wednesday before the Wednesday night service. If you plan something right, it all comes together.

We left that Sunday night and headed for our motel to settle down for several days of rest and frivolity. I do admit that I have a PhD in frivolity and so I was ready to for frivole. (Pardon my French).

When we woke up Monday morning, I began to realize that my definition of rest was not exactly the definition my wife embraced. Read More→

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Jun
29

Two In A Row Okay, But Three Is Suspicious

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So applethat you know, I am not suspicious (knock on wood). I take a rather practical approach to life and try my best not to get bent out of shape. At my age, it’s rather difficult to keep my shape. I try to keep my guard up, but no matter what I do, I drop it.

Tuesday I was engaged in a “project,” when the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage came and brought me an apple fritter. “I thought,” she said rather cheerfully, “that you could use an apple fritter.”

I was most gracious for this apple fritter. Nothing raises your spirits and encourages you to do your best like an apple fritter. I know my wife and I disagree as to the nature of these apple fritters so it surprised me that she brought one to me.

My insistence is that an apple fritter is an apple and an apple is an apple. She, on the other side of the breakfast table, insists that it is a doughnut. We have never resolved this difference in our relationship. When she brought me an apple fritter I was a little bit surprised, but was thinking deep in my heart it may be I have convinced her that an apple fritter in deed is a fruit.

I smiled most graciously, thanked her and enjoyed the apple fritter like I enjoy every apple fritter I eat. It was the highlight of my afternoon, I can tell you that.

Nothing more was said about it because I do not like to spoil a good thing. I just enjoyed it and went on thinking that perhaps we have come to a conclusion about this contradiction.

Then Wednesday came around and in the middle of a project in the afternoon, my wife came in and said, “Here, I thought you might enjoy an apple fritter for today.”

Without thinking, I took it, smiled and thanked her most graciously for this afternoon treat. Nothing bolsters my day more than a warm apple fritter. Nothing goes better with a cup of coffee than an apple fritter. I am quite convinced that in heaven we will enjoy apple fritters.

With me whenever I have an apple fritter in the afternoon the day goes by so smoothly. I enjoyed that apple fritter to the nth degree, whatever that may mean.

I did not think much of it, because you should just enjoy your day and whatever blessings come, like an apple fritter, just enjoy it to the best of your ability.

Let me repeat that I am not a very superstitious person (knock on wood), but I do like to take precautions. Once it is over, I like to move on.

Then on Thursday, the inconceivable happened.

“Here,” my wife said most cheerfully, “I thought you would enjoy an apple fritter for the afternoon.”

I did not know what to do or say. I put on a greasy smile, accepted the apple fritter, nodded my head and said, “Thank you.”

For her to bring me one apple fritter was a wonderful thing, and I deeply appreciate it and did not give it too much thought.

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Jun
15

And The Award Goes To…

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Rare is the time when I actually am all caught up with my schedule. Whenever I think I am caught up, something happens that takes that and throws it out the window.

Such was the case this past week. I was very much happy with the fact that I was on schedule and I had everything in hand. Nothing makes me feel better.

Of course, this is mostly delusional, at least for me. If there ever was an award for being delusional, I am quite certain I would be at the top of the list. The amazing thing about being delusional is that you never think you are.

As I was wallowing in my delusion and enjoying every moment of it, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage came and said rather sharply, “Are you ready to go?”

At the moment, I had no idea what she was talking about. And so I responded, “Huh?”

I’m not sure if that is really a word or not, but it accurately described my delusional moment at that time. I had no idea what she was talking about.

“You haven’t,” she said, “forgotten what day it is, have you?”

I was tempted to say, “Of course not. It’s Tuesday.” Fortunately, I did not yield to that temptation and just responded with another, “Huh?”

With a disdaining look she said, “You would forget your head if it wasn’t attached.”

I wouldn’t tell her, but I probably would not miss my head if I would forget it. After all, I don’t wear a hat.

“Today,” she said in a very serene voice, “the two grandchildren are getting awards at school.”

I’m not quite sure if I forgot or if I was not listening when the instructions came my way. At this point, I was not going to let anybody know, particularly my wife.

“Oh, yes,” I said getting up from my chair, “I’m all ready to go. Let’s go.”

She gave me one of her classic sarcastic grins and we headed for the door.

Our one granddaughter was graduating from the third grade and the other from the fifth grade. Unfortunately, one was at 8:30 in the morning and the other was it 1 o’clock in the afternoon. It would make sense to have them all at once, but what has sense to do in our world today?

I did not want to complain, after all, it is our grandchildren, but I think the planning could have been just a little bit better than that. After all, sitting in the school cafeteria listening to the award ceremony is about as exciting as it can get.

The chairs that we had to sit on were uncomfortable, which was very fortunate for me because I was not tempted to fall asleep during the ceremony. I believe that was done on purpose.

Imagine getting an award for completing the third grade!

I cannot remember any such thing when I was going to grade school. Our great award was leaving school and going home in the afternoon. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

We live in a different world today where everybody gets an award for something or sometimes for nothing.

Then I remembered my cell phone in my shirt pocket. It is times like this that God had in mind when he invented this cell phone technology. I pulled out my cell phone and started checking my email.

Then I felt a sharp pain in my right ribs (thanks Eve) and I heard a voice saying, “Put that away and pay attention.”

Slowly and reluctantly, I returned my cell phone to my shirt pocket and tried to pay attention but I didn’t have enough quarters. Paying attention can be very expensive when you’re in situations like this. Read More→

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