Archive for Just for Him
As big as my ears are, you would think I would be able to hear everything I am listening to.
I like to think I am hearing what I am listening to but I have so many illustrations that prove otherwise. I’m not sure what it is, but I am working on it with the help of the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage.
It was on a Friday and I was very busy trying to get things done for the weekend. Some in our domicile can multitask and then the other can hardly do one thing at a time.
I’m not quite sure how my wife does it, but she can do half a dozen things at the same time and get them all done perfectly. It is like one of those jugglers at the circus who can keep half a dozen balls in the air at the same time.
Not me. I can’t even keep one ball in the air at the same time, let alone half a dozen.
I was busy trying to get ready for the weekend when the wife came in and said, “Can we borrow your truck on Monday?”
I grunted and nodded my head in the affirmative.
“We need to move some furniture to a storage unit.”
Now, in those two sentences she used the word “we” but I heard the word “I.”
I am okay with her borrowing my truck and doing whatever kind of business she needs to do. A marriage works that way. One has a truck and the other borrows said truck.
I should have thought something was up, but you know how it is with us men. We do not think unless backed into a corner and we cannot do anything else. All through the weekend when I saw my wife, she would look at me and smile and nod her head. I smiled and nodded my head back at her. After all, isn’t that what a good relationship is all about? Smiling and nodding your head at each other.
As I recall, it was a rather pleasant weekend and then it was over.
Early on Monday morning my wife came into the living room where I was watching TV and drinking my morning cup of coffee. I can’t start any day without my coffee. Whoever invented coffee should actually get a Nobel Peace prize.
My wife came in and looked at me and said, “Are we ready to go?” Then she smiled and nodded her head in my direction. Read More→
When it comes to certain things, I am quite a bit confused. One thing has to do with time. What I want to know, what time is it?
I do not know why time cannot be the same for everybody. After all, everybody is squirming about equal rights. Why can’t we have equal time rights? Why do we have to split it up so much?
If that is not enough, we have this idea of changing the time. Who in the world came up with such a stupid idea? You turn the clock ahead one hour and then a couple months later you turn it back one hour. What good does that accomplish?
It is like giving somebody a dollar and then six months later taking that dollar back. What exactly is going on? It just does not really make sense to me.
It has taken me quite a while to get adjusted to this idea of “Spring Forward” and “Fall Backward.” I get the idea falling backwards, but I do not know what it means to spring forward. Moreover, why can’t we spring backward and fall forward one year? After all, there is this issue of equal rights.
It has taken me a while to get adjusted to these kinds of time changes.
One year I remember rather well when I got everything confused. I thought I would take control and not tell the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage that I was going to change the clocks. I wanted it to be a surprise for her.
Of course, I put things off to the last minute and usually get into trouble. I put this off to the last minute not knowing that my wife had already turned the clocks ahead. So, trying to impress the good lady of the parsonage that I was a responsible gentleman, I went around and turned all the clocks ahead one hour.
Some people say when you get older you forget a lot. I have been forgetting a lot all my life.
A few hours later, after setting the clock forward an hour, I could not remember if I really set the clock forward. So, very quietly I went around and set all of the clocks forward one hour. This was on a Saturday night. I thought I would really surprise my wife with remembering to set the clocks forward.
That night when it came time to go to bed, I noticed that I was not very tired. I try to go to bed by 11 o’clock each night, but this night I just could not even yawn.
“I think,” I told my wife, “I’ve had too much coffee today. I just don’t feel sleepy.”
She looked at the clock, scratched her head and said, “I don’t feel sleepy either.”
What do you do when it is time to go to bed and you do not feel sleepy but you know you have to go to bed or you will not get up on time in the morning. And church services were in the morning.
“Well,” my wife looking at me rather strange, “we better go to bed or we will not be able to get up in the morning. And we can’t be late for church.”
It was a little after 11 when I got to bed and my eyes just would not close. I closed them and they would snap open right away. I tried counting sheep. By the time I got to 10,978 sheep, I was just as awake as before. What do you do with that many sheep? Read More→
I remember my grandfather telling me that the older you get the faster time flies. Laughing at him at the time I thought it was another of his little stories he loved telling.
Just the other day I caught myself telling one of my grandchildren, “The older you get the faster time flies.” Then it occurred to me. I am my grandfather. I am not sure how I got here, but here I am.
It is hard keeping up with things, especially when time ticks by so fast. Just when you think you are all caught up, you realize you have to start it all over again.
I was complaining about this the other day to the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage. Normally, I try not to do any complaining in her presence. She has the ability of turning my complaint upside down and confusing me to the extent that I have no idea what I am complaining about.
In my complaint I said, “Where does time go?”
“Where,” my wife said rather sarcastically, “do you want time to go?”
I had to stop and think about that one. In fact, I am still trying to think about that one. To be rather honest, I do not know where I want time to go. The only thing I do know is, I do not want it to go by so fast. Why can’t time slow down just a little bit, especially as I get older.
In my confused state of mind my wife said, “Would you do me a favor and go to the grocery store and pick up some items? I just don’t have enough time to do it myself.”
Whenever my wife asked me to do her a “favor,” I believe there should be some kind of a recompense for my time. After all, my time is valuable, at least to me it is. Read More→
You would think being a husband as long as I have been I would have learned the fine art of negotiating with my wife. And trust me, it is an artistic creation.
When I got married, somebody told me that marriage was a 50-50 proposition, which being the naïve young man that I was, believed it entirely.
The problem I have discovered is that 50 from a man’s point of view may not necessarily be 50 from a woman’s point of view. If I knew then what I know now, I would have asked that person to define what they meant by 50.
Through the years, I discovered that at times it is a 25-75 split. Other times it is a 0-100. Nobody can be 100% right all the time unless of course they are married to a husband.
When men get together, they talk about sports, hunting, cars and so forth.
When women get together, they talk about how to deal with their husbands.
I know it does not sound fair, but then it is our fault as men for not getting our act together.
Although, I must admit that at this point in my life I do not have any regrets. The only thing that I have trouble with is the word “tomorrow.”
I am not quite sure what that word means from my wife’s perspective. From my perspective, the word “tomorrow” is just a way of putting something off and possibly not even doing it.
I never really thought anything of it until recently. To me the word “tomorrow” was just a casual word I used to postpone things. It was not until last week that it really came to the forefront.
The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage asked me to do something for her. I was really busy at the time, I’m not sure what I was busy doing, but I was not paying too much attention. I smiled at her and said, “Okay.” Then, I went back to doing whatever I was doing.
The next day she approached me and said, “Did you do what I asked you to do yesterday?”
I really was not quite up to date on what she asked me to do yesterday, but I said, “No, but I’ll do it tomorrow.” To be fair, I actually forgot about it. I did not mean to forget about it, but it does not change the fact that I forgot about it.
The next day she queried me rather sternly, “Did you do what I asked you to do the other day?”
At this point I was marinating in that husband fog that seems to plague every husband and so I said, “No, but I’ll do it first thing tomorrow for sure.”
If I thought that was the end of the conversation, I was thinking in vain.
“Today,” she said as sternly as I have ever heard her speak, “is the tomorrow you promise to do it.”
Now I am swimming in that husband fog. How in the world can today be tomorrow? At this point, I did not know if she was confused or if I was confused. To keep things safe, I will admit to being the one confused. Read More→
I have been pondering a delicate question this week. Why is it I can only do one thing at a time? If only I could do several things at a time, I could get more accomplished.
The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage is an expert when it comes to multitasking. Although I have lived with her for over 45 years, I still do not know how she does it. She is better than a circus juggler and can juggle a dozen tasks at the same time.
Not me, that is for sure!
I like to do many things, but I have to do them in order and one at a time. That is how I have always done things even though I have tried to juggle two things at one time but it has never been successful. Usually, both of them fall to the floor and I have to start all over again.
Every day I make a list of things I need to do and start working on them one by one. I am looking forward to the day when I will be able to accomplish everything on my list.
Maybe I am just trying to do too much.
Like the other day, I needed to go across town to pick up something at one of the office supply stores. Usually, I am not allowed to go into the grocery store by myself. However, when my wife found out I was going to go across town, she asked me if I would stop at the grocery store and pick up a few things. Then she handed me a list, and said, “Get everything on the list and only those things on the list.”
Then she gave me one of “those looks.”
It is hard for me to go into a grocery store and not pick up a few things that I want. I have never seen any ice cream that I did not want. However, when I am on strict orders with a shopping list, I don’t have any leeway at all.
It started out rather well. She handed me the list and I put it in my pocket and headed for the front door. As I was going out, I heard her say, “Remember, only those things on the list.” Read More→
Living in Florida my idea of winter is anytime the temperature drops below 60°. At that point, I do the shiver-me-timbers dance. You don’t want to know!
I have a rare disease called Coldaphobia. As far as I know, there is no cure for this except escaping to Florida. Even here, cold will manage to sometimes poke its nose into my business. All I can do at the time is sneeze, hoping it will scare the cold away.
Experiencing a rather cold afternoon this past week, I queried the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage on this subject.
“Why,” I asked rather philosophically, “did God give us winter?”
There are times when I do muse philosophically with a far-off look.
In this mode, I sometimes think about that philosophical question, “How many angels can dance on the point of a needle?” I’ve often mused on this question, but the problem is I do not know how big angels are and if they really can dance.
I guess it is in the same category as the question, “If a tree fell in the middle of a forest and nobody’s around, does it make a sound?”
I like to think along those lines because there is no correct answer to any of them. So, my answer is right, which makes me feel good about myself. If there is anything I want to do, it is to feel good about myself. After all, nobody else feels good about me so it might as well be me.
With all that in mind, the question that I posed to my wife deserved an answer. “Why did God give us winter?”
My wife was busy in the kitchen at the time, but she turned around, put both hands on her hips and said, “So you could go out and buy a new sweater.” Then she went back to her kitchen activity.
Of course, it did not really answer my question. Why is God interested in my sweaters? Why can’t he allow me to have a climate that eliminates the use of sweaters? I could handle that.
Then my wife interrupted my muse session and said, “God gave us winter so that we would appreciate summer when it came.” Then she went back to her kitchen work.
As I thought about that, I had to admit that she is right. Read More→
I do not like to complain (except on certain occasions when nobody is listening) but I am not too happy with the weather these days. I have never felt so cold before.
Is it true that the older you get, the less cold temperature you can stand?
If it is not true, it sure is true with me. The older I get, the colder I get and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. After all, how many sweaters can you wear at one time?
The other day as I looked at my thermometer I saw it had dipped below my meteorological expectation. I tried breathing on the thermometer to see if I could get the temperature to rise a little bit. And, because I have such hot breath, I was able to raise the temperature quite a bit, but as soon as I stop breathing, it plunged back to its depth.
It seems that when I look at the thermometer and the temperature is low I feel cold. On the other hand, when the temperature is high, I feel warm. I almost said hot, but the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage corrected me on that once. I may feel hot, but, according to her, I sure do not look hot and the mirror in my bathroom collaborates with her opinion.
So, I am wondering if the temperature has anything to do with my thermometer. If someone, perchance, could manipulate my thermometer they could manipulate whether I am hot or cold.
Then a thought hit me square in the face.
All during last year, I heard how the Russians allegedly hacked into emails. I never really paid that much attention to the stories, but now, I am thinking a little bit different about that.
Anybody who wants to can hack into my emails because I have such a boring life that they probably would shoot themselves. However, what if they were able to hack into my thermometer? That is the $64,000 question!
I confess that I am not very savvy when it comes to technology. I can barely manage my emails; so, when it comes to technology I am as vulnerable as anybody else. Read More→
A friend of mine has a saying, “I’m going to get as old as I possibly can get.” From what I can tell, he has. I must agree with his sentiment. Of course, the alternative is… well you know. Another friend of mine likes to tell me, “Brother, you’re only as old as you feel.” I am not sure how old feels or if wrinkles are involved. But, I am feeling quite fine, thank you.
Just the other day the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage came in from her workshop, sat down on the couch and said, “Whew, I feel like a hundred.”
At the time, I did not know if she was talking about dollars, pounds or years. Being the old fogey that I am, I know there are times when silence is golden and this was one of those golden moments. But, what does a hundred feel like? Is there some special sensation that pulsates through the body when a person reaches that age level? Or, is it the absence of anything pulsating through your body?
Just this morning I got up with a sore knee and could hardly walk to the bathroom. I complained about it to my wife, who has no compunction about expressing her opinions, said, “Well, you are older than when you went to bed last night.”
I did not know I was aging so rapidly. If this keeps up, I will change from an old fogey into an old geezer before I know it. The difference between an old fogey and an old geezer is, an old fogey walks around in a fog while the old geezer cannot get up from his chair and wheezes a lot.
I was musing on the idea that getting old was a lot of trouble with a lot of pain involved. Then I remembered what a lot of trouble and pain it was to be young. As a youngster, I thought many times, “Oh, I can’t wait to get old.” I thought getting older was the panacea for all of my problems.
I remember thinking that when I got older nobody would boss me around. I would do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. I could not wait for that time to come. I dreamed of that mystical land. No parents to boss me around; no teachers to tell me what to do and when to do it; no siblings interfering with my plans for the day. What a life I would lead when I got older. I lived each day hoping to get older which, in my thinking, was the door into that area. Read More→
New Year’s Day was filled with lots of excitement, plenty of grandchildren running around and enough food on the table to eliminate world hunger. Actually, it did eliminate my ravishing hunger, at least for the day.
Both the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly simultaneously signed a deep sigh. My wife sat in her chair thinking and I, reclining in my chair musing. Believe me, we both had a lot to think about and muse over.
The difference between thinking and musing is quite profound. Thinking requires a lot of hard work while musing is closely related to amusing, although I am not quite sure about the connection. All I know is it takes less energy to muse than it does to think and I’m all for saving energy.
I had just gotten into a rather delightful muse when my wife made a very startling announcement.
“Well,” she said most thoughtfully, “I guess this is the start of a brand-new year.”
I was too deep into my muse to do more than grunt affirmatively.
Then I began to think, which sapped me of a lot of energy at the time. Although my wife was not wrong in her observation (she is never wrong about anything) she was not exactly right. However, being the man of the house, not to mention not having enough energy to put up a good front, I did not call her on it. But I thought on it some more.
Everybody says this is a new year that has never been lived before. And I would like to challenge that kind of thinking. I have an eerie feeling that I have been here before.
I am not sure if my muse got mixed up with my thinking but at the end of the exercise, I came to several startling conclusions. The biggest conclusion is there is nothing new about the New Year.
Do not take my word for it, do some thinking on your own. Okay, it’s a little too early in the year to do heavy thinking so maybe some light musing might be more in order.
If I remember correctly, and I must check last year’s calendar, but wasn’t it January last year at this time? In fact, I think for the past couple thousand years there has always been a January. Nothing new about January. In my lifetime, I have seen 65 Januarys. At the time, everybody said it was new. What I want to know is, when does the newness wear off? When is somebody going to stand up and honestly say, “Welcome to another old year.”
Every time I have a birthday, people tell me I am a year older, but when another January comes around people try to tell me it is new. I think this year I am going to insist on my birthday that people tell me I am getting newer and not older. Read More→
Many things in life have me in a tangle of confusion. I try to put on a good face so that nobody knows how confused I am at the time. I think I get away with it, at least most of the time.
The only person I cannot fool is the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage. According to her evaluation, I am confused all the time. I would like to set her straight sometime, but I am really confused as to when would be the right time.
If I do not pick the right time, my confusion will be accelerated to the point of no return.
There is one thing, despite my professional confusion, I have not been able to understand. And it just bugs me to no end. Why are some things more confusing than others?
There is a positive side to confusion.
For example, someone is trying to explain to me something that is rather boring I can say, “That’s too confusing for me.”
What that does is help the other person think that he’s a lot better than I am which is not a bad thing to get out of some boring situation at the time. Believe it or not, this is not too confusing for me.
Another side of this would be, somebody wants me to explain something and I am not really in the mood to do a lot of explaining, I say many confusing things and the person comes to the point where he says, “That’s too confusing for me.”
Winning is so wonderful.
Not long ago, I overheard somebody say, “Is that cup half full or half empty?”
For some reason I just cannot get that out of my head and it has confused me like nothing else in my life.
If, for example, a cup is half-full is it not also half-empty? And, if it is half-empty is it also half-full?
I do not know if this is intentional confusion or if it is not supposed to make any sense at all. Read More→