by Matt Bell

For many couples, money is a tough topic. But there’s one financial issue that, like no other, causes financial discomfort among couples and raises the chances for financial fights: debt.

Take Off the Shackles

The Bible says, “The borrower is servant to the lender.” Living as a servant to a lender isn’t wise for any of us, but it’s especially problematic in marriage.

Researcher Jeffrey Dew at Utah State University has found that not only does consumer debt (credit card debt and other installment loans) fuel a sense of financial unease among couples and increase the likelihood that they will argue about money, but “this financial unease casts a pall over marriages in general, raising the likelihood that couples will argue over issues other than money and decreasing the time they spend with one another.”

Dew’s research shows that newlyweds that take on substantial consumer debt become less happy in their marriages over time. On the other hand, newly married couples that pay off their consumer debt within their first five years of marriage are more satisfied with their marriage. Those findings held up no matter whether couples were rich or poor.

Whose Debt Is It?

How couples approach their debt is important as well.

When Scott and Karen got married, Karen brought $50,000 of non-mortgage debt into the marriage. Scott jokingly referred to it as a reverse dowry.

One of the things I love about their story is that from the earliest days of their marriage, whenever Karen would talk about “my” debt, Scott would correct her by saying is was “our” debt. Now there’s a guy who is committed to financial oneness.

One other notable part of their story is that their faith-based convictions motivated them to give away 10 percent of their income throughout their journey of getting out of debt. Karen remembered seeing their year-end giving statement, and thinking, ‘Gee, we could have gotten out of debt so much faster if we had put that money toward our debts.” And she remembers hearing other people’s stories of unexpected blessings they felt came about because of their giving. “I started wondering where’s my cool story?” she said.

Six-and-a-half years after getting married, Scott and Karen made their last debt payment. It was a day neither one of them will ever forget. “It was amazing,” Karen says. “We felt like it was a hard road we had traveled, but we did it, and we did it in a God-honoring way. We are 100 percent debt-free.”

Scott will soon be able to retire with a full pension at a much younger age than most people, having put in over twenty years as a Chicago firefighter. They’re thinking about getting an RV and spending a year traveling the country.

Sounds pretty cool to me.

Be Done With Debt ASAP

If you are engaged or newly married, make it one of your highest financial priorities to get out of debt and then live the rest of your lives with no debt other than a reasonable mortgage (One that requires no more than 25% of monthly household gross income to pay for the combination of your mortgage, taxes, and insurance).

Put together a spending plan that enables you to maximize debt repayment. You may find it helpful to use the recommended spending plans found in the “Money, Purpose, Joy,” workbook, which contains detailed plans for four different size households across nine different annual incomes.

Very often, when couples get married they get excited about all that they’ll be able to afford with two incomes. But I encourage all newly married couples to base their lifestyle mostly on one income. It’s the single most helpful step you can take to prepare for children since it makes it much easier for one spouse to choose to step out of the paid workforce if that’s their desire.

If you have debt, it’s especially important to live mostly on one income so you can use the other income to get out of debt. Doing so will make all the difference in helping you build a solid financial foundation and live with financial freedom.

About the Author
Matt Bell is the author of three personal finance books published by NavPress, including his latest: “Money & Marriage: A Complete Guide for Engaged and Newly Married Couples.” Matt leads workshops throughout the country and blogs at www.MattAboutMoney.com.

by Julie Sibert

Finally. It’s 9:30 p.m. and it’s finally quiet in my house. With the kids in bed, I think, “Finally, I can get some work done, free of interruptions.” But then an interruption shows up – in the form of a husband who wants some alone time with his wife. Ever have this happen?

Herein lies a bit of a challenge for us work-at-home moms, who often use the hours between kids’ bedtimes and our own to tackle the work that eludes us during the day.

So is alone time with said husband really an interruption – or an opportunity? I must decide in that moment. I’d be selling you a bill of goods if I said these are always easy choices. Like many of you, my boundaries on where work ends and home life begins don’t just get blurry; they often just disappear (like wayward baby socks).

Ignoring your spouse’s advances in favor of work is tempting, but consider these points:

Why did you want to be a work-at-home mom? Was it simply so you could spend more time with your kids? Or was it so you could build a life that was fulfilling on many fronts? There is an old saying that goes like this: “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I think a more accurate description of what is happening in many homes would be this: “If momma and daddy aren’t in sync, nothing’s in sync.”

Instead of seeing attention to your marriage as an afterthought, begin to view it as foundational. A healthy marriage makes the work-at-home gig not just more doable, but more enjoyable. Certainly when you began working at home, your vision didn’t include a mediocre marriage.

Make peace with the fact that life is messy. This is a toughie. I occasionally drool over the neatly-organized house beautifully depicted in the magazine spread. And the headlines on the cover taunt me: 50 Ways to Simplify Your Life, 20 Meals in 20 Minutes, Easy Steps to Organize Your Kids’ Photos (all 7,000 of them. Thank you digital photography).

But we don’t live in magazine spreads or headlines. We live in the real world, where life is squirming with loose ends, empty milk jugs and a baseball uniform that is buried in the laundry pile (rather than crisp and clean for the game that starts in…uh…45 minutes).

You don’t just get my point. You live it. So, instead of feeling perpetually beaten down by life’s messiness, why not make peace with it? Nurturing your marriage can’t be an activity that hangs out on the backburner for years, while you convince yourself that there will be plenty of time “someday” for you and your husband. Nurture now, amidst the mess and chaos.

Build teamwork with your spouse. Like a lot of women, I can easily slip into this mode of thinking that I am running the show and calling the shots. I know about the permission slips that need to be signed, the birthday cards that need to be sent and the car insurance that needs to be renewed. Sadly, though, too much of this mindset on the part of a wife can leave a husband feeling like a third-string benched player, just begging for an opportunity to be a part of the game.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband and together figure out how to make intimacy a much higher priority. Only the two of you will know what it is going to take to be a team – to encounter intimacy struggles and find solutions together. Can you designate nights where work is off-limits? (I’m not naïve. I know this isn’t easy. I’m just encouraging you to start counting the costs).

The next time your husband approaches you because he desires to be with you, will you see it as an interruption – or an opportunity? Even small steps in the direction of health can build big momentum. Your marriage is worth it.

About the Author
Julie Sibert is a writer and speaker on sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for her free eNewsletter. She gives away a sex/marriage book every month. You can also follow her on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/IntimacyInMarriage and on Twitter @Intimacy4Life. She lives in Omaha, Neb., with her husband Randall, their two boys, and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer puppy.

By Julie Sibert

No doubt about it, there is a lot about summer that is irresistible. Kids’ schedules are more laid back. Activities sometimes have tapered off. Nice weather offers ample opportunity to play outside.  What could be better, especially for the kiddos, right?

Unfortunately, all that relaxation on the boundaries of the day can take an unexpected toll on a couple’s intimacy.  The seemingly endless hours of daylight mean that bedtime routines become haphazard at best and obsolete at worst.  Around our house, bedtimes on some evenings have dissipated faster than a snow cone at a 4^th of July picnic.  Our 12-year-old and 5-year-old relish the freedom to stay up late with their parents!

Like a lot of you, my daily repertoire involves many roles (beyond the very obvious ones of chief sliver remover and swimsuit finder!).  I am a work-at-home mom, and there are always more details to corral than there are minutes on the clock.  When it comes to intimacy with my husband, it’s very apparent that this precious area of our life is not simply going to take care of itself – especially in the summertime when we have kids under feet for hours on end.

So what is a couple to do if summertime starts to sabotage their intimate time together?  While my list is not comprehensive, it is worth a gander to get you moving in the right direction:

1. Remember that you are the parent. This seems obvious, but surprisingly is often forgotten. Too many parents let their kids go renegade with the household, all under the guise of “it is summer break after all.”  But one of the best things you can do for your kids is to make it clear that your marriage is worth treasuring.  Determine that at least two or three nights a week, reasonable bedtimes will stand.  That way, you and your husband can make it to your own bed, preferably before you are so exhausted that sleep is the ONLY activity you are willing to entertain.

Sidenote: Don’t hesitate to say to your children, “Daddy and I want to spend some time alone with each other, so you are going to bed a little bit earlier tonight.” This is a great way to demonstrate to your children how you value your marriage.  Don’t let their whining get to you.  After all, you are the parent. It’s your show to run; not theirs.

2. Aim for some morning time together. One advantage of kids staying up late is that they tend to then sleep in.  Try to find at least one morning a week where you can lock your door and make love. Worried they will hear you?  Turn on the radio and/or put cartoons on the television before they even wake up.

Sidenote: Agree with each other the night before that you will look forward to time together in the morning.  The anticipation will help set the mood and inspire you to get up a little early.

3. Find ways to be playful with your clothes on. The great thing about summer is that families are often out and about together (ball games, vacations, barbecues, swimming, yard work, etc.)   Make a concerted effort to appropriately show affection with your husband.  Hold hands, playfully joke with each other, and exchange an occasional kiss and hug. This builds a foundation that will compel both of you to want to make intimacy a priority.

Sidenote: Find a code word, look or touch that you can subtly express to indicate you are interested in some intimacy later when the two of you are alone.

Summertime does not have to sabotage sexual intimacy with the man you married. I would even be willing to bet that for many of you, you can find a way to boost your intimacy in the summertime.  Any ideas come to mind?  How about a nice shower together after a long hot day?  Might make for a hot night!

About the Author:
Julie Sibert is a writer and speaker on sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for her free eNewsletter.  She gives away a book every month.  You can also follow her on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/IntimacyInMarriage and on Twitter @Intimacy4Life. She lives in Omaha, Neb., with her husband Randall, their two boys, and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer puppy.

The greatest gift you can give your children is to pass on your faith in Christ.

The next greatest gift is to love your spouse.  Here’s 7 reasons why:

1.  It ties a rope of security around their hearts.
2.  It sets a positive example for their future marriage.
3.  It gives them a strong sense of personal identity.
4.  It assures them they are wanted in this world.
5.  It allows them to relax and enjoy their lives
6   It makes it easier for them to believe in your God.
7.  It makes them as adults want to come home and spend time with you.

“Has not the Lord made them one? And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.”  Malachi 2:15

About the Authors:
Bob Moeller, D.Min., and Cheryl Moeller, M.A.R., co-founded For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries and are national radio personalities.  Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). They are the authors of three books on marriage.  Bob conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation and has written for such publications as Focus on the Family and Leadership Journal. Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms, syndicated humor columnist (including CWAHM), and mom blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. She has written for MOPS and Marriage Partnership. Bob and Cheryl have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children and one son-in-law.
Their family enjoys three dogs named Katie, Bo, and Rudy.  Buy Now!  Cheryl’s latest book, a gift book,  Keep Courting:  100 Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage. Bob has two new 4-Part CD Series for sale: For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference and The Road to “I Do” Single’s Confernce

One of the great figures of the Old Testament is a man named Joseph. As a 17 year old boy, he was viciously beaten, thrown into a pit to die, and ultimately sold into slavery. Was he the victim of some marauding band of foreigners or a local gang of thugs? No, it was his very own brothers who inflicted this unspeakable pain on his young heart.

Joseph would spend the next 13 years of his life, living as a slave in a foreign country. Though he served his master with faithfulness and integrity, he was falsely accused by his owner’s wife of a serious crime he did not commit. The result was, he was thrown into prison, without trial and left to languish for years on end.

Yet the God he served, did not forget Joseph. When the time was right, he was elevated to the second highest position in all of Egypt. He became the man, that saved literally millions from death by starvation, including his own treacherous brothers, who assumed he was dead and gone forever.  Later, when his brothers came and bowed before him and begged his forgiveness (assuming he would exact his revenge given the right opportunity), he responded with some of the most astonishing words, found in the Scripture:
“But Joseph said to them, `Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.’ And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.” Genesis 50:19-21

One of the great works of God in our lives is to disconnect the pain of our past hurts and traumas and replace it, with His peace and kindness.

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

About the Authors:
Bob Moeller, D.Min., and Cheryl Moeller, M.A.R., co-founded For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries and are national radio personalities.  Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). They are the authors of three books on marriage.  Bob conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation and has written for such publications as Focus on the Family and Leadership Journal. Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms, syndicated humor columnist (including CWAHM), and mom blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. She has written for MOPS and Marriage Partnership. Bob and Cheryl have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children and one son-in-law.
Their family enjoys three dogs named Katie, Bo, and Rudy.  Buy Now!  Cheryl’s latest book, a gift book,  Keep Courting:  100 Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage. Bob has two new 4-Part CD Series for sale: For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference and The Road to “I Do” Single’s Confernce

By Bob and Cheryl Moeller

Several years ago when our children were still quite young I decided to take them for an afternoon visit to Timber-lee Christian Center, a Christian camp that has a petting zoo, just north of the Wisconsin border. We walked into the gated area and found goats, sheep, Shetland ponies, and oh yes, llamas milling about us. The children quickly noticed there was food pellets for sale in vending machines to feed the animals.

My pockets were soon emptied of quarters, so the children could buy and feed the docile farm animals. They were particularly interested in feeding the strange looking llama. The kids giggled with delight as they reached out their hand and the llama approached them to nuzzle down the pellet. It looked like fun to me but there was one problem — I was out of money to buy food pellets. I decided to do the next best thing–I would pretend that I had pellets to feed the llama.

So I reached out my hand, and sure enough, the llama walked over in my direction. He reached down and nuzzled for food in the palm of my hand.

It took a moment for him to catch on to the scam but once he realized he had been tricked, he took one or two steps back, then reared up his head –and spit in my face. Suddenly my glasses went green. (I’ve since learned that llama spit is bile that comes up from their stomach. Just thinking about the ugly journey before reaching me is sickening.)

I’ll admit I was momentarily stunned by this brazen and unexpected display of disrespect. I did the only thing a self-respecting man would do in such a situation–I took one or two steps back, reared up my head and spit back at the llama. It would be difficult to describe the look of astonishment on my children’s faces at my behavior.

Later over lunch I heard them secretly whisper to Cheryl, “Mom, Dad spit at the llama this morning.”

“Oh, your father has been under a great deal of stress lately,” she said in my defense.

What causes a grown man to spit at a llama? I believe it’s the same word that motivates couples to slam doors, exchange dirty looks over supper, and threaten each other with lawyers.

That word is–pride.

Pride is the ultimate cause of all human misery and suffering. Every ill on our planet can eventually be traced back to this “the original sin.” The same is true of marriage. The origin of a hard heart in marriage can also be traced back to pride. The Bible is very clear about pride’s impact on our lives and our close relationships.

Have you ever stopped to consider what keeps us from being the first to apologize after an argument? Or, what causes us to look at other men and women and admire their qualities, while shaking our head in disgust, at our own spouse? Or, why couples choose to sit across the room and say nothing to each other for a day or week or even a lifetime?

That’s right-it’s pride.

If we are going to maintain a soft heart in marriage, we will have to daily battle and defeat the ultimate enemy of our relationship – pride.

If it’s pride that hardens our hearts toward each other, then it’s humility that will soften our heart as no other force on earth can. It can break down the highest walls and cross the deepest divides of our marriage relationship. It can change us from cold and distant partners to loving and intimate soul mates. It can even reconcile our children to us, despite whatever alienation and hurt has taken place.

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”  Proverbs 16:18

Bob and Cheryl Moeller are the co-founders of For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries. Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). He’s a national radio personality and conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation. He has written articles for such publications as Focus on the Family and Marriage Partnership.

Bob and Cheryl, have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children.  Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms and a syndicated humor columnist, including a columnist on www.cwahm.com.  She blogs at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. Together they have authored three books on marriage, including their soon-to-be-released book with Harvest House Publishers, called Marriage Miracle:  How Soft Hearts Can Make a Couple Strong.

Buy the life changing For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference as a 4-Part CD Set, when you visit www.bobandcherylmoeller.com

4-Part CD Series:  For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference

Dr. Bob Moeller’s For Better, For Worse, For Keeps Marriage Conference has been used by churches all over the country as an effective tool to help couples connect their hearts for a lifetime. This life-changing conference is for all, including singles, married couples, as well as separated and divorced individuals — anyone seeking to connect their hearts in marriage for a lifetime. The conference includes humor and great story-telling. Even strong and growing marriages will benefit from Bob’s Biblical teaching and challenges.

Topics include:
– Communication and Conflict
– Building Emotional Intimacy
– Seven Secrets to a Great Sex Life
– Staying Close for a Lifetime

A painful and perplexing family crisis can erupt without warning.   It can demoralize and distract our marriage and family.  Family crises can include physical, mental, emotional, behavioral, spiritual, or financial problems.

Learn how to strengthen yourself in God when things hit bottom:

1.  Seek together God’s guidance before deciding on a plan of action.

“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.” Psalm 25:9

2.  Believe God can restore everything and everyone you thought beyond rescue.

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.” Isaiah 9:2

3.  As God shows your family mercy show mercy to other families in pain.

“Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.” Isaiah 1:17

4.  Only God can take our family heartaches and transform them into a blessing

“…Each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God.” 1 Samuel 30:6

5.  Trust that God has a plan for your family and it’s at work right now.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.” Matthew 7:24

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

About the Authors:
Bob Moeller, D.Min., and Cheryl Moeller, M.A.R., co-founded For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries and are national radio personalities.  Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). They are the authors of three books on marriage.  Bob conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation and has written for such publications as Focus on the Family and Leadership Journal. Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms, syndicated humor columnist (including CWAHM), and mom blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. She has written for MOPS and Marriage Partnership. Bob and Cheryl have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children and one son-in-law.
Their family enjoys three dogs named Katie, Bo, and Rudy.  Buy Now!  Cheryl’s latest book, a gift book,  Keep Courting:  100 Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage. Bob has two new 4-Part CD Series for sale: For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference and The Road to “I Do” Single’s Confernce

By Bob and Cheryl Moeller

When we are trying to play the sculptor with our mate, it simply means we don’t like the way our mate talks or behaves. We believe it’s our calling in life to change him or her. So we constantly chisel away at our spouse, trying to make them more to our liking.

There’s a big problem with playing the sculptor. Even if we are successful in changing our spouse (we’ve yet to meet someone who has), we now face a bigger problem than what we started with. We will now be married to someone who not only has their own set of problems, but ours as well.  You see, all of us if given the opportunity, will remake our spouse in our own image and that’s a tragic mistake.

Playing the sculptor is motivated by pride (“I’m better than you are, so I will fix you to be like me”). It also carries a strong element of anger. We’ve yet to meet anyone working to remake their spouse, who was not at a minimum irritated, and at worst furious, at their spouse’s basic personality traits. The anger in the relationship drips out, like water seeping from limestone walls in a cave.

Playing the sculptor may involve such things as reprimanding our mate for poor manners, showing disgust at their lack of house cleaning skills, or comparing them unfavorably with our family. In worst case scenarios, it degenerates into intimidation or threats. The common denominator in all these attitudes is the conviction our spouse fails to measure up to our standards or expectations.

We can’t find anywhere in Scripture, where we are commanded to change the person we are married to. There’s a reason for that strategic omission. The only Person capable of changing the human heart is God Himself. So, if either of you have labored all these years to change each other (without success), we have good news for you-you’re fired. That’s right. It’s pink slip time. You can pick up your final paycheck on the way out to the parking lot.

But wait-here’s your new job description. Accept your spouse just as they are, give thanks daily for the person God made them, and go to work full-time on repairing your own shortcomings.

There will be immediate results. To begin with, you will experience a new uptick of joy and contentment in your marriage. Your simmering anger will also quickly start to diminish. Who knows? You may even start seeing redeeming qualities in your mate.

James 4:1 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”

Remember, marriage is for better for worse for keeps.

About the Authors:
Bob and Cheryl Moeller are the co-founders of For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries. Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). He’s a national radio personality and conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation. He has written articles for such publications as Focus on the Family and Marriage Partnership.

Bob and Cheryl, have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children.  Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms and a syndicated humor columnist, including a columnist on www.cwahm.com.  She blogs at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. Together they have authored three books on marriage, including their soon-to-be-released book with Harvest House Publishers, called Marriage Miracle:  How Soft Hearts Can Make a Couple Strong.

Buy the life changing For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference as a 4-Part CD Set, when you visit www.bobandcherylmoeller.com

4-Part CD Series:  For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference

Dr. Bob Moeller’s For Better, For Worse, For Keeps Marriage Conference has been used by churches all over the country as an effective tool to help couples connect their hearts for a lifetime. This life-changing conference is for all, including singles, married couples, as well as separated and divorced individuals — anyone seeking to connect their hearts in marriage for a lifetime. The conference includes humor and great story-telling. Even strong and growing marriages will benefit from Bob’s Biblical teaching and challenges.

Topics include:
– Communication and Conflict
– Building Emotional Intimacy
– Seven Secrets to a Great Sex Life
– Staying Close for a Lifetime

by Bob and Cheryl Moeller

Life goes all too quickly. Here are 10 ways to ensure that daily living doesn’t turn our marriage into a dull and predictable routine.

1.  Treat each day as a gift from God. Say, “I love you,” at least once a day.
2.  View your spouse as the favor of God, on your life.  Give your spouse a 90 second hug, every morning.
3.  Spend time with your children, as if they were leaving home tomorrow.  And, have you smiled lately at your kids?
4.  Say the kind things now to your spouse, that you would say about them to others, if anything ever happened to your spouse.
5.  Make a life of “no regrets” your daily goal.
6.  Look your spouse in the eye and listen with love and humility, when they are speaking to you.
7.  Settle the disagreements between you, as if this were the last day of your life.
8.  Ask them to tell you the times you have damaged their heart. Don’t attempt to excuse or explain away your wrong behavior.
9.  With true sincerity say, “I am truly sorry.  What I did was wrong.  I ask you to please forgive me.”
10. Extend the same Grace to your spouse, that Jesus Christ has extended to you, through His shed blood on the Cross.  We need to be like Jesus and give our spouse, what they need, not what they deserve.

James 4:14  “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then disappears.”

About the Authors:
Bob Moeller, D.Min., and Cheryl Moeller, M.A.R., co-founded For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries and are national radio personalities.  Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). They are the authors of three books on marriage.  Bob conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation and has written for such publications as Focus on the Family and Leadership Journal. Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms, syndicated humor columnist (including CWAHM), and mom blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. She has written for MOPS and Marriage Partnership. Bob and Cheryl have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children and one son-in-law.
Their family enjoys three dogs named Katie, Bo, and Rudy.  Buy Now!  Cheryl’s latest book, a gift book,  Keep Courting:  100 Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage. Bob has two new 4-Part CD Series for sale: For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference and The Road to “I Do” Single’s Confernce

How both of you can go cold turkey to kick it

By Bob and Cheryl Moeller

“Steve, speak up. You always sit there and let everyone else do the talking.” “Krista, did you mail the mortgage payment? We’ll pay a huge penalty if it’s even one day past due. Turn off your computer, Krista. I’m trying to talk to you.” “Stop biting your nails?”

Sound familiar? We’re all tempted to nag now and then. I’ve been known to follow my wife around the house demanding that she remember the amount of a missing check or a recent cash withdrawal. I figure if I just repeat the question enough, she’ll remember. (I’ve also been known to discover that I wrote the missing check.)

There are two big nagging myths to debunk. First, that nagging is a feminine fault. Both men and women engage in this annoying practice.

The second myth? That nagging is the exclusive fault of the nagger. The truth is, that while one spouse may be more prone to find fault with the other, both partners share responsibility. Nagging is a lot like that spiteful teeter-totter game gradeschool kids play at recess. When I was that age, if there was underlying hostility between you and your seesawing partner, one of you would push off the ground with all your might. When done correctly, it propelled the person at the other end of the plank as hard as possible straight into the pavement. And it almost always resulted in your partner returning the favor.

In marriage, the seesaw duel looks more like this: Maddie asks Justin to do something he doesn’t want to do-at least not right now. So he responds by pretending not to hear Maddie’s request, or by offering an unsatisfactory answer like “Yeah, I’ll get to it later …”

Maddie repeats her request, accentuating each syllable to increase dramatic effect. Justin, feeling put upon (and put down), doesn’t respond.

Infuriated, Maddie resorts to rapid repetitions of her demand. Justin, observing Maddie’s agitation and frustration, indulges in a moment of carefully concealed delight. Her ridiculous behavior makes him feel, momentarily, morally superior. For a passive-aggressive personality, this is a moment of supreme triumph.

Both the nagger and the “naggee” play an essential role in keeping this destructive game going. So if there’s a whole lotta naggin’ goin’ on at your house, consider what role you’re playing.

If You’re the Nagger…

I’m not saying you’re always the nagger… You’ve been inconsiderate and presumptuous. You’ve failed to appreciate that your spouse may want to fulfill your desires, but has valid reasons not to respond at that moment.

Nagging is, at its root, profoundly disrespectful. A nagger acts like a parent, insulting a partner’s intelligence (or at least his “hearing”) and policing his behavior, making sure he minds. A nagger also indulges in an unhealthy attitude of entitlement. You assume your spouse has no say in when or how high he or she should jump, when you issue the command.

If you’re the nagger, try some of these strategies.
Acknowledge any arrogance or insensitivity that has colored your approach to your spouse.

Reject the expectation that your spouse will always fulfill your desires immediately. Use your imagination to think of legitimate reasons why your spouse may be unable to respond to your request right now. Give your heart a spiritual adjustment, remembering Jesus’ intent “not to be served, but to serve.”

Value your spouse’s input. Maybe your spouse has valid reasons for not acting on your “suggestions.” Be open to seeing things from his or her perspective because “two are better than one” in the long run.

Stop repeating yourself. Learn to state your needs, and practice receiving your spouse’s response graciously-even if the response doesn’t fully address what you asked for.
Put your needs in God’s hands. If your spouse’s first response is disappointing, pray about it. Give God time to work in your spouse’s life apart from your nagging. Make it a matter of faith.

If You’re the Naggee

It’s easier to admit being the naggee, but that doesn’t let you off the hook. If you’re on the receiving end of the nagging, you may have developed a pattern of avoidance. You might find it easier to withdraw from the conversation, or to ignore your spouse, than to establish true adult-to-adult respect. But by not acknowledging your spouse’s request, you’re minimizing it. You’re sending this message: “I don’t respect you enough to address your need or to give you honest and sincere answers.”

Many naggees, oddly enough, endure nagging for years without openly challenging it. Why? As long as it goes on, they can blame the nagger. They can hang onto the resentment they feel when their spouses go ahead and make decisions without them. Have you allowed the nagging to go on without doing anything to solve the problem?

If you are a naggee, you can stop the destructive teeter-tottering.

Examine yourself for any fear or reluctance to engage in legitimate confrontation with your spouse. Do you avoid forging solutions so you can escape the tensions that might arise?

Search your own attitudes for hidden anger or bitterness. Do you lash back inside even though you don’t do so verbally?

If you find you are angry or resentful of your spouse’s nagging, pray for the courage and poise to express your anger lovingly and truthfully. Be specific about which of your spouse’s words and actions created your negative feelings.

If you’ve been nurturing a smug sense of moral superiority as the put-upon naggee, acknowledge that as false pride. Driving your mate to foolish behavior is no accomplishment, it’s shameful manipulation.

Ask yourself honestly if you’ve done anything to change the destructive pattern of communication. Then ask God for the strength to say to your spouse, “We love each other too much to continue down this road. Let’s work toward a win/win outcome.

Colossians 4:6 “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

About the Authors
Bob and Cheryl Moeller are the co-founders of For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries. Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). He’s a national radio personality and conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation. He has written articles for such publications as Focus on the Family and Marriage Partnership.

Bob and Cheryl, have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children.  Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms and a syndicated humor columnist, including a columnist on www.cwahm.com.  She blogs at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. Together they have authored three books on marriage, including their soon-to-be-released book with Harvest House Publishers, called Marriage Miracle:  How Soft Hearts Can Make a Couple Strong.

Buy the life changing For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference as a 4-Part CD Set, when you visit www.bobandcherylmoeller.com

4-Part CD Series:  For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference

http://www.bobandcherylmoeller.com/photos_6.html

Dr. Bob Moeller’s For Better, For Worse, For Keeps Marriage Conference has been used by churches all over the country as an effective tool to help couples connect their hearts for a lifetime. This life-changing conference is for all, including singles, married couples, as well as separated and divorced individuals — anyone seeking to connect their hearts in marriage for a lifetime. The conference includes humor and great story-telling. Even strong and growing marriages will benefit from Bob’s Biblical teaching and challenges.

Topics include:
– Communication and Conflict
– Building Emotional Intimacy
– Seven Secrets to a Great Sex Life
– Staying Close for a Lifetime

by Bob and Cheryl Moeller

One of the most loving things we can do is to pray daily for our spouse.

1. Pray Jesus will bless your spouse today in some unexpected way.
2. Pray Jesus will allow you to be a source of joy to your spouse today.
3. Pray Jesus will soften (or keep soft) their heart towards you and others.
4. Pray Jesus will heal the hurts from their past, let them forgive, and give them peace.
5. Pray Jesus will keep your spouse from all harm, this day.
6. Pray Jesus will allow them to use all the gifts and talents He gave them.
7. Pray Jesus will rule on the throne of their heart this entire day.
8. Pray that Jesus will fulfill every intention He has for their lives, for the Glory of God.

I Samuel 12:23 “As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you.”

About the Authors:
Bob Moeller, D.Min., and Cheryl Moeller, M.A.R., co-founded For Better For Worse For Keeps Ministries and are national radio personalities.  Bob is the weekly host of a nationally broadcast television call-in show, “Marriage—For Better, For Worse” on the Total Living Network (www.tln.com). They are the authors of three books on marriage.  Bob conducts weekend marriage seminars around the nation and has written for such publications as Focus on the Family and Leadership Journal. Cheryl is a stand up comic for moms, syndicated humor columnist (including CWAHM), and mom blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com. She has written for MOPS and Marriage Partnership. Bob and Cheryl have been married 30 years and are the parents of six children and one son-in-law.
Their family enjoys three dogs named Katie, Bo, and Rudy.  Buy Now!  Cheryl’s latest book, a gift book,  Keep Courting:  100 Ways to Keep Courting After Marriage. Bob has two new 4-Part CD Series for sale: For Better For Worse For Keeps Marriage Conference and The Road to “I Do” Single’s Confernce

by Jocelyn Green
Did you know that as wives, we can help guard our husbands’ hearts?

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, America’s Family Coaches, authored the book Guard Your Heart: Protecting the Love of Your Life as just one of many resources in their campaign to Divorce-Proof America’s Marriages. The entire book is worth a read, but I’d like to just draw from one chapter today, called “Guard Your Husband’s Heart.” (A separate chapter is written for just for the men: “Guard Your Wife’s Heart.”) Speaking to wives, Barb says this:

Think about the next five years. How will your husband be more alive, more fulfilled, more content, more successful as a result of your presence in his life? What about ten years down the road? Twenty? Don’t leave the answer to chance. Determine to be the woman he needs, the co-guardian of his heart and your marriage. Commit yourself to be God’s woman in his life, as described in Proverbs 31: “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life” (vv.10-12).

Based on conversations with thousands of men across the country, Barb goes on to share the following keys to guarding your husband’s heart. I’ll add my own “translations for military wives” after each.

1. Help him achieve his dreams.

• Be prayerful
• Be alert to the activities that bring him joy
• Help him gain the training, skills, or degree that will equip him for fulfilling work
• Believe in him
• Encourage him

Translation for military wives: Try to be as supportive as possible about each step in his military career. Couch a complaint by finding something positive to say first. Tell him you’re proud of him and his service.

2. Be alert to controlling tendencies.

Translation for military wives: Military wives typically know how to do everything around the house her husband does out of sheer necessity. She’s in control when he’s deployed and must be capable to handle everything. When he comes home, however, strive to relinquish some of that control back to him so he can feel like an active leader rather than a guest or bystander in the home.

3. Love him unconditionally.

Translation for military wives: When he is deployed and things are falling apart back home, don’t spend all of your precious minutes on the phone with him rattling off everything that’s gone wrong. Be sure you tell him you love him, you’re proud of him, and you’ll be waiting for him when he comes home.

4. Respect his differences. (As in, men and women are just wired differently.)

• Communicate openly with him (If you wait for him to read your mind, it’ll never happen!)
• Let him feel your touch
• Understand his sexual needs
• Look your best for him

Translation for military wives: During deployments, you can’t touch him physically, but you can tell him, “If I were with you right now, I’d give you a big hug!” or “I wish I could give you a massage right now or a kiss goodnight, or . . .” Take pictures of yourself looking your best and send them to your hubby on a regular basis. Write love letters.

5. Help provide companionship. Encourage your husband’s friendships and be his best friend–do activities with him he enjoys!

Translation for military wives: Military members develop strong friendships with each other. Encourage those friendships to continue even at home, especially with other strong Christian men. Be his best friend whether he’s home or away- aside from God, you are most likely his North Star.

6. Recognize your powerful role. You can empower your husband to achieve his goals, let him be a leader in the home and help him relate to the kids.

Translation for military wives: It is especially important for military wives to help husbands understand how to relate to their children after each deployment. During deployments, let your husband know how each child is changing and developing. As your reunion nears, let him know what to expect from the kids. (The book Life After Deployment by Karen Pavlicin has some great advice for different aged children in this area.) Likewise, talk to your kids about their dad in such a way that they respect his leadership in the home.

7. Be committed to your husband.

Barb writes:

Your commitment of faithfulness to your husband must flow from your preeminent commitment to Jesus Christ. . . . Your husband and family tap into you for a variety of needs, and this can be exhausting. There is not enough of you to go around unless you acquire strength from outside yourself. . . Only by nurturing your own spiritual life will you have something to share with your husband.

Translation for military wives: Especially during deployments, you as a military wife can only give so much of  yourself before you are running on empty–and when that happens, you just have nothing left to give your husband, children, church, etc. Continue praying, Bible reading, going to church and leaning on your support network.

Now let’s hear from you. Have you followed any of the above tips? If so, what was the result? What other advice would you offer about how to guard your husband’s heart against wandering outside the marriage?

by Jocelyn Green

“You’re not my XO!”

I still cringe as I remember saying those words to my new husband, an executive officer in the Coast Guard. I bristled at his leadership, especially since his frequent trips to sea fostered my own sense of independence during his absences.

I knew that God tells wives we are to submit to our husbands (Colossians 3:18), but what does that mean in the context of a military lifestyle? Is it even possible?

I’ve finally come to realize that submission is a disposition to honor and affirm the husband’s leadership, not a mandate to stop thinking for myself. Submission is an attitude which we can nurture whether or not our husbands are physically present.

For example, imagine you go to the mall during a deployment. You fall in love with something you see, but the price tag is beyond your normal budget. Would you buy it anyway? Email your husband about it to get his OK? Decide not to buy it since it’s not in the budget you had planned with your husband?

The latter two choices both demonstrate a submissive attitude. Going against your budget without your husband’s consent communicates a low regard for his decisions.

Compare ourselves to the characteristics in the two lists below are a good way to determine how well we are demonstrating submission. Think about all areas of life, including childrearing, housework and maintenance, budgeting issues, spiritual life and more.

What submission is not
Being submissive does not mean:

• Letting your husband do all the thinking for the family
• Agreeing with everything your husband says
• Putting your husband’s will above God’s will
• Avoiding every effort to change your husband
• Depending on your husband for all your personal and spiritual strength
• Acting out of fear

What submission is
Being submissive does mean:

• Fostering a disposition to follow your husband’s authority
• Managing to the best of your ability those areas your husband has delegated to you
• Telling your husband when you need to talk about a decision more before you are comfortable with it
• Willingly showing respect and honor to your husband
• Building up your husband so he is empowered to lead

Tips for practicing submission
If submission is an attitude, behaviors serve as barometers of your heart. Here are practical ways we can demonstrate a submissive spirit to your husband:

• Give him helpful suggestions, not sarcastic putdowns.
• Listen to him without interrupting. Don’t finish his sentences for him.
• Keep your house in order as a service to your husband and family.
• Think through possible solutions for family issues and present them to your husband.
• Make an effort to talk to him before making big decisions.
• Keep him in the loop about family and household affairs while he’s deployed.
• Accept constructive criticism; we all have room for improvement.
• Pray for the right words before you have a serious talk. It helps your tone be more respectful.

The measure of our leadership and submission does not lie in who does what task, but in our attitudes as we seek to demonstrate the order God has specified for the family. It takes commitment, humility and responsibility on both sides as both partners submit to God above all else.

About the Author:
Jocelyn Green is the author of Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives (Moody Publishers 2008) and Stories of Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq and Afghanistan (forthcoming, AMG Publishers fall 2009). She maintains a Web site and blog offering support and resources for military wives at www.faithdeployed.com and is an award-winning freelance writer who pens articles for dozens of magazines, including Christianity Today, Today’s Pentecostal Evangel, InSite, EFCA Today, Baptist Bulletin, Campus Life, Today’s Christian, BestSemester and more. She also writes for nonprofits, universities and corporations such as Juicy Juice, Nestle, Publix and General Mills. Her devotions also appear at InternetCafeDevotions.com and ChristianDevotions.us. Jocelyn is an active member of the Evangelical Press Association and the Christian Authors Network. She and her husband have two children, a dog and a cat, and make their home in Cedar Falls, Iowa. For more about Jocelyn, visit www.jocelyngreen.com.

Do you know the number #1 problem in marriage and the number #1 cause of divorce? If you said “money” you’d be right. If you’re constantly arguing about money – how it’s spent, how much is spent and who’s spending it – learn why in all good marriages there are mutually defined financial guidelines.

1. Discuss financial issues and set boundaries. Be accountable.

· Both partners need to know and be accountable for what they have and what is being spent.

· If one partner controls the money, the balance of power in the relationship will always be a skewed.

· The proper time for this discussion is at the beginning of a relationship when funds are being co-mingled.

2. Asking for money is demeaning. Everyone needs to have his/her own money, regardless of the amount.

· Set up the relationship so both partners have access to their own money even though funds are co-mingled.

· It is very demeaning for one partner to ask another for money all the time. This does not mean that big financial decisions are not discussed and jointly decided, but rather, within an agreed upon budget, each person can have access to money and make financial decisions on their own.

3. Don’t spend more money than you can afford – it depletes your energy.

· Money is green energy. If you spend more than you have, you will deplete your energy and spend your time worrying how to borrow from Peter to pay Paul.

· Except for sex, money ranks right up there with arguments and frustration.

· It is important for both partners to know how much you have, how much you can spend, and how much you want to save, and to follow an agreed upon plan.

4. Be honest – Don’t hide your purchases or lie about how much you have spent.

· Nothing is worse than lying about purchases – it always catches up. Speak up and be accountable.

· Now is the time to be PART of the plan and take financial responsibility.

· If need be, ask your partner to sit down and explain the finances to you.

· How much do you owe on your house? Your car? How much debt do you have? What pieces of property do you own? Do you have a 401K? Is there a pension fund? How much will you be getting from social security?

5. Be open – Share all financial information with your partner.

· If your partner is not willing to share with you all your financial information, it is your responsibility to get it. My suggestion is that you do.

About the Author:
By Chandra Alexander. Sign up now for Chandra’s FREE daily email “Cutting Through to THE REAL TRUTH” and purchase Chandra’s books and CDs. Article Source: http://www.wahm-articles.com

Do you know how to compliment your child? Strangely enough, many parents don’t. If you never heard anything except criticism and negative comments growing up, you need to learn the words and actions in order to build the self esteem and character of your child.

Say words to show you care:

Wow—Way to go—I trust you—You are fun to be with—Well done—You mean a lot to me—You are really a good friend—Hey, you figured it out, I knew you would—I have confidence in you—You make me so happy—You make me laugh with your jokes—That is neat handwriting—You are really getting better at that—You are really on your way—Good for you—I was proud of you today—That was hard and you did it anyway—That was great to see you keep trying—You really showed how kind you were today—You mean a lot to me—Excellent job—You really know how to listen—You really brighten my day—It is such a pleasure to see how you treat other people-You are on your way—Good job—You have the secret—Hurrah for you—You are such a sharp dresser-What an imagination—You’re growing up—I really respect you—Thanks for being you-Awesome.

Combine the compliment with a smile or hug

Verbal language is the communication of information and may not always be heard or remembered. Body language is the communication of relationships and will be stored in minds and hearts long after the actual fact. By combining a hug, pat on the back or warm touch on the arm to indicate approval, you have extended the life of a compliment forever. Remember, it is not how you feel about your child; it is how your child perceives you feel about him that is important.

Look for the positive

For every thing a child does wrong, he or she does 19 things right! Don’t just focus on what needs correcting, but on what needs encouraging. Try to see how many nice things you say to your child and your self in a 24 hour period. By acknowledging your own successes, you help your child to look for the positive and recognize when things go right. I challenge you to compliment his or her efforts at least 6 times a day.

You can do it. I believe in you.

About the Author:
This article was written for you by Judy H. Wright, a parent educator, author and international speaker from Missoula, MT. She can be reached at 406-549-9813 For other free articles and special reports as well as a complete listing of books, CD’s, and workshops on the journey of life please see www.ArtichokePress.com Be sure to sign up for a free eBook on communication for positive action at www.UseEncouragingWords.com You will be glad you did and so will we. Article Source: http://www.wahm-articles.com

Simple Acts of Daily Kindness Convey a Ton of Love

When we were just newlyweds back from our honeymoon, my handsome new husband surprised me and said, “When you do the laundry, this is how I want you to fold my clothes – socks, handkerchiefs, T-shirts, etc.”

My eyes grew wide wondering what I had gotten myself into. But not having any better way to do it, I went along with his request. After all, how did I know how to fold a man’s clothes when I was only twenty-one? The drawers actually looked neat and I always felt a sense of satisfaction when it was put away.

I continued that practice over the next two decades. Yet I was surprised when one night as we were getting ready for bed my husband turned to me and said, “I can tell you really love me.”

“Oh, really,” I replied. “What makes you say that?”

“Because every morning I open my dresser drawers, I’ve never run out of clean clothes,” he said.

I smiled back at him and thought to myself, If that’s all it takes to make him feel loved, I can do that! And the laundry continued to get folded as I recalled his words.

BUT the story wasn’t over that easily.

We moved to a new home with room for only l long towel bar in the master bath. And honestly I became annoyed when David laid out his towel open over mine to dry. Mine was never dry as this practice continued and I wasn’t too happy about a damp towel.

Every morning began with that marital rift between us until I brought it up one Saturday.

“Honey,” I began (which I only happen to say when I am broaching a sensitive topic when I want something.) “Did you know that I teach women across the country how to fold towels in thirds with the “Decorative Edge” on the sides? This allows two towels to sit side by side and would really solve our towel problem.”

“Problem?” he replied, “There’s no problem. I just have to do it this way so it will be dry the next time I use it. I can just put up another towel bar – anywhere you want.”

Well, after measuring and pondering where “anywhere” was for that second towel bar, I proclaimed it didn’t fit into our decorating scheme of things. So we continued the banter back and forth, until we realized a folded towel didn’t dry enough if you showered twice in the same day, but did dry overnight. That had begun his “spread out look” but wasn’t really necessary every day, we agreed.

After that definitive discussion, I noticed the next morning that his towel was folded nicely as requested. But I wasn’t ready to thank him for a one day gesture. I just placed mine neatly next to his.

About 10 days later of neatly folded towels I smiled at David one morning and said, “David, I can tell you really love me.” (A couple years had passed since he used that line on me so I knew he had forgotten about it.)

“Oh,” he responded in surprise. “Why is that?”

“Well, you know… you fold your towel the way I like it. Thank you.”

He smiled and we had solved one of the many problems in marriage together.

The moral of the story? Love is not just a matter of candlelight and roses on Valentine’s Day. It’s a matter of everyday kindnesses around the house by doing thoughtful organizing actions to make the day easier for the people you live with whether putting away your dishes in the dishwasher, taking out the trash, or putting the laundry away everyday.

So now it’s your turn. What has your spouse, child, or roommate complained about lately? Never cleaning up the dishes, meals not on time, or dirty socks on the floor?

It’s not a sign of weakness to fix the problem from your end. Actually you will have a stronger relationship for getting for putting in an organizing system that works.

So what can you do? Here’s some tips to start you off:

Him: Pick up your socks and hang up your clothes. You didn’t marry a maid, you married a wife!

Her: Put away your makeup each day. He has enough hurdles to cross each morning without you adding to it.

Him: Take out the trash without being asked. it’s the manly thing to do.

Her: Clean up the kitchen and sit down for a minute to talk. Stop your whirlwind motions and be his “date.”

Him: Express appreciation for a home cooked meal. The meals will probably start improving when you do!

Her: For fun e-mail him what’s for dinner and what time it will be ready. I did this for my family and they all showed up on time!

Together: Discuss whether paper piles and housecleaning chores are working out for your lifestyle. If not, ask what would be most important to improve and work on a solution for that one problem.

Together: Appreciate the strengths of your partner and tell them so. Hold back on the complaints until you get a regular “Appreciation Fan Club” of sincere compliments going in their direction.

“Getting Your Spouse to Do Things” Story: One time when I worked with a decorator who said, “Marcia, I’ve never seen anyone get their husband to do so much. how do you do I?”

I hadn’t thought about that, but the answer came quickly. “I think carefully about what i want done and only show him a short list of three things I want done, and then thank David profusely for doing it!”

VALENTINE’S WEEK: So get organized at home, clean up your “messes,” and be kind to your Sweetheart, roommate, children, dog, or cat. It’s a great way to build a lasting love, one kindness at a time.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Marcia Ramsland is well known as “The Organizing Pro” for her practical skills and tips to manage busy lives. She is a speaker, author, and media guest expert appearing on TV, radio, and in national magazines for her popular books Simplify Your Life, Simplify Your Time, and Simplify Your Holidays (Thomas Nelson). Visit her website, www.organizingpro.com for free tips.

Several years ago I offered to take the checkbook back from my husband. Twelve months earlier our youngest son had been experiencing countless sleepless nights, along with numerous other challenges. Realizing I was overwhelmed, my husband had taken over the checkbook and all of its correlating duties to relieve me of some stress.

A year later our son had begun sleeping much better and, consequently, so was I.

I felt better able to take back the responsibility of bookkeeper of the family. On this particular day when I suggested the transition, my husband hesitated and said, “Just a minute.”

I watched him sit down at the dining room table, grab a calculator and start tapping on the buttons. He would look quietly at the checkbook register, scratch his head, mumble something meant only for his ears, and begin tapping on the various buttons again. After witnessing this disturbing scene for a while, I asked him, “Is there something wrong?”

“Well, the balance doesn’t seem to be coming out right,” he replied.

Remaining calm, I inquired, “When was the last time you balanced it?”

“Balanced it?” he questioned.

With growing concern, I explained, “We get a statement from the bank, with their name in the upper lefthand corner, every month. When was the last time you balanced the checkbook with the monthly bank statement?”

Now seeming to understand what I was talking about, he said, “Oh, those! I never opened them. They’re all in your file labeled Bank Statements.”

With that declaration, I was no longer sitting quietly in the next room. I entered the dining room and stared in amazement at my husband, and I slipped down into one of the nearby chairs. He quickly came around the table and knelt at my feet, his hands clasped together in prayerful pleading, “Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything you want. I’m sorry.”

No longer feeling sympathetic, I demanded, “Go borrow me a calculator with tape…and bring me some chocolate!”

So, why did this shock me to such a degree? First of all, I was astounded (and grateful) we hadn’t bounced any checks for the year. Second, it cemented my thinking that my husband, who typically doesn’t pay attention to detail, is not naturally suited to the day-to-day financial aspect of our lives. Third, something was niggling at the back of my mind, did I have the right to demand actions from my husband? Traditionally, isn’t he supposed to be the one in charge? Isn’t he supposed to be the one who has the final say, who wins out, so to speak, in these circumstances?

Part of the process of melding two lives together is not easy. “The two shall become one” does not mean one individual calls all the shots and has all the control in the relationship. For us, that melding process involves constantly discovering strengths and weaknesses and assigning roles in the marriage accordingly. It really shouldn’t be about whose ideas or actions wins.

My husband is a patient, proficient painter. I have never painted a room in my life. Probably never will. Do I feel bad about that? Not in this lifetime. He’s also good at fixing cars, working on household projects, landscaping, and being a fantastic father to our five children. Likewise, my husband doesn’t feel too badly about me paying the bills and working the budget.

At the time of our Checkbook Incident No. 593, we were in a unique situation because of the stress on us at the time. I had relinquished control in an area that was naturally my strength. I also gave it to him without any guidelines or instructions. If ever allowed, I doubt I would ever be able to paint a wall without explicit instructions in this house. My husband’s lack of attention to handling of the checkbook wasn’t totally on his shoulders. I had a part in it, too.

Life is constantly changing and shifting. We need to be able to adapt and change our roles accordingly.

It took me most of the day, but I did get that year’s entire checkbook register gone over and eventually balanced. I think I was off by $2.38. Previous to this incident, I had always insisted on finding every error—even if only a nickel—but this time, I decided it could have been a whole lot worse, and wrote it off. Of course, my husband offered to pay me the $2.38 difference in cash. I tried to explain to him it just wasn’t the same.

If nothing else, I have learned to be less of a dictator with the checkbook in all this. In the whole scheme of things, did a nickel really matter? I was learning to keep the role of bookkeeper, but I was also changing. I was learning to be compassionate. I guess my husband did win out in this after all.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sandy McKeown is a contributing author to Laundry Tales to Lighten Your Load, One Year Life Verse Devotional, and Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover’s Soul. She is a regular columnist for Christian Work At Home Moms and speaks frequently to audiences, helping them discover today’s difficulties aren’t a life sentence, just a season of life. Sandy can be reached through her website at www.sandymckeown.com.

The good news? Lately, I’ve been lunching at restaurants with friends almost every weekday. The bad news? I have dined with more women that have “just had it” with their husbands than I would care to.

How does a marriage deteriorate to such a low point a teammate no longer wants to play? There are several reasons, of course, but various marriage experts tell us the number one reason for failure in marriage is selfishness. Philippians 2:3 admonishes us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than ourselves. What does that look like? Where do we find an example of unselfishness in a very selfish world?

Many years ago a supreme, omnipotent being sent the most precious gift possible, an only child, down to earth to help a planet full of people in trouble. He didn’t have a houseful of children, He only had one, a son, and He sent him down to earth to help us overcome life and death. First, life—while we are on this planet; and, second, death—our inevitable and final destination.

The unselfishness of that act is incomprehensible to me. My husband and I are blessed to have five children. We are not (as of yet, anyway) willing to sacrifice any of them. Yes, I am a very naturally selfish person. (I could give you a long list of examples of just how selfish I am, but my editor has limited my available space.) So…I know I am selfish and God is not. How do I acquire this great trait of His to make it mine?

Biblical commentator Matthew Henry writes, “The sweetness we have found in the doctrine of Christ should sweeten our spirits.” Can it be that simple? Reading our Bibles will change us to make us more like Christ? Sweeter and, ultimately, less selfish?

Another marriage expert, Gary Thomas, claims most people want out of a marriage because they don’t like who they have become while in that union. How do I impart on my lunch mates the desire to stay in their marriage and work on their own issues and not worry about their spouse’s? I can encourage them to read their Bible, pursuing God rather than their escape. Simple, right?

A few years ago, my husband and I and our three youngest children traveled to Denver to visit our oldest son and his family for the Thanksgiving holiday. They had just moved into their first home the day before and we were coming out to help them settle in as well as celebrate being together. While there, the engine on our caravan died. We opted to rent a vehicle to drive back to Iowa. The drive home involved a snow storm (icy roads, several cars in ditches), our youngest with the flu (me holding a bucket for her in the back seat), a compact car that accommodated four people comfortably (five people uncomfortably), and a deadline to get home for my husband’s job, by 11 p.m. at the time.

While we were driving, we called my brother in South Dakota and asked him to go online to find out how far the storm spanned. Were we going to be in it the entire way? How bad was it?

He called back and said, “You are in the worst of it. Keep going. You should be through it in an hour or two.”

That’s what we should be doing for others in marital trouble. Keep going. Yes, you may be in the worst of it, but you can get through it. There is great comfort in receiving encouragement from a like-minded, trusted brother.

God sent his only son in the ultimate unselfish act. I may not be able to live up to such standards, but I can certainly strive to become sweeter and less selfish on a daily basis. It should be a goal not just for the season, but for life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sandy McKeown is a contributing author to Laundry Tales to Lighten Your Load, One Year Life Verse Devotional, and Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover’s Soul. She is a regular columnist for Christian Work At Home Moms and speaks frequently to audiences, helping them discover today’s difficulties aren’t a life sentence, just a season of life. Sandy can be reached through her website at www.sandymckeown.com.

Read any headlines lately? Seen the newest Halloween masks in the stores? Walk down the street alone in the dark? Yikes. It’s scary out there.

We live in a world that is frightening. War, greed, violence, selfishness, shortages…there seems to be plenty of that in this world.

What or who makes you feel safe?

Women’s libbers, sorry to burst your I-can-do-it-by-myself bubble, but my husband is my protector. I like it when my man opens my door for me. I like it when, as we walk, he gently places a protective hand at the small of my back to guide me around an obstacle in my path. I like it when, as we walk along a street, he walks closest to the traffic, providing me a barrier from possible danger and pot hole splashes.

Before our fourth son moved out, I was spending some extra time with him watching some sci-fi in the middle of a lazy summer day. We were the only two at home at the time. I was on the couch in our family room; he sat across the room in his father’s chair. While we were watching the fictional episode, I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look, and witnessed a snake crawling out from under the couch I was sitting on. It was sticking its forked-tongue out, slithering non-chalantly across my new carpet!

I didn’t even communicate my shocking discovery with my son. I reacted by standing on the couch and in a panicked yell prayed, “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!!!”

My son later told me he thought I had somehow hurt myself. But as I continued to scream, the sound waves must have reached the snake because his speed of slither increased greatly. This attracted my son’s attention. Now realizing what his mom was yelling about, he sprung out of his chair and reached for his guitar from his Guitar Hero game and used it as a weapon to stun the intruder. While he was reaching for the guitar, though, he boldly, calmly, and repeatedly told me, “Stop, Mom. Stop!” He wanted the hysterics to stop, I guess, so he could concentrate on stopping the snake.

He did whack the snake enough to stun it. He held it up to show me the now limp scaly pest was in deed no longer a threat. I squeaked at him to please take it outside. My guitar hero complied.

Afterwards, I sat on the couch, with my feet curled up protectively under me for the next 20 minutes until my husband came home from work. As he descended the basement stairs, I yelled, “We have to sell the house!”

Of course, I had to explain why the urge to sell was suddenly so strong. He just chuckled and asked our son to show him where he had thrown the snake. The two of them discovered the once stunned snake had woke from its daze and crawled away. Yuck. For his sake, that snake better not head back to my house.

When my husband returned to the basement where I was still curled up in a protective ball, my husband came over, sat beside me, wrapped his arms around me and held me. Even though his blue eyes twinkled with amusement at my lack of tolerance for snakes in my home, he still sympathized with my discomfort. After the warmth from his embrace had sufficed to ease my trauma, while still in his arms I voiced my ‘fix-it’ plan.

“I want every piece of furniture moved and vacuumed under. I want the walls checked to make sure there are no holes that have allowed the snake to get through.” And then I demanded, “Where do you think it came from?”

He reminded me our son had just been camping with his friends a few days prior and had brought all his gear to his basement bedroom just off the family room after the trip. The snake most likely had taken a free ride from the camp site to our home site.

Suspiciously I asked, “Do you really think that or are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

He smiled and calmly replied, “It makes the most sense. We haven’t had any snakes before.” Or since, I am grateful to report.

I’m still not sure he isn’t just trying to comfort me. It is part of his job, after all, to keep me safe and help me to feel safe.

Yes, God is our ultimate Protector, the One we can look to for answers in scary times. Sometimes, though, I need someone with skin on right beside me to protect me. My husband makes me feel safe in a scary world. Thanks, Honey, I need that.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sandy McKeown is a contributing author to Laundry Tales to Lighten Your Load, One Year Life Verse Devotional, and Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover’s Soul. She is a regular columnist for Christian Work At Home Moms and speaks frequently to audiences, helping them discover today’s difficulties aren’t a life sentence, just a season of life. Sandy can be reached through her website at www.sandymckeown.com.