Q" I’m 18 years old, and had been dating this guy for 9 months. I truly believed he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We started off with the best intentions, but slowly lost sight of what really mattered, which is God and His will for our lives. I had always planned to wait until marriage; it wasn’t even an option for me not to wait, but after being with my boyfriend for a while we ended up taking to the next level.
The day after Thanksgiving, we decided to take a break. Everything seemed okay before I left his house that last time, and we even prayed together, but ever since that day, he hasn’t talked to me. I tried calling him, and he never answered or replied, so I wrote him a letter pouring out my heart to him and telling him to pray, pray, pray. I don’t understand what’s going on; the only thing I do know is that I have to trust the Lord.
I’m just asking for any advice, encouragement and, or prayer. Thanks so much!
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A: My heart hurts along with you. A broken heart is a terrible feeling.
Unfortunately, your story is not all that uncommon. It’s crazy to think someone you are in love with and thought about marrying, won’t even talk to you or write to you after you’ve shared the biggest gift in your life with him–your whole self. And yet, I think that’s part of the reason for the breakup. But before you start blaming yourself, or think I’m blaming you, hold on–I’m not. I just want to try to explain how a guy’s mind works (not that I’m an expert).
Most guys aren’t as emotional when it comes to sex. Where girls equate sex to love, men equate sex to relief. Of course I’m simply generalizing the sex drives of an 18 year-old boy and girl, but hear me out. So now he’s had you. The surprise is over; the gift unwrapped. There’s no more waiting to find out what’s inside. The mystery is gone.
It’s a horrible thought–something we’ve all had friends go through or we’ve experienced ourselves. It’s not uncommon. Your boyfriend may never have been ready for marriage. He may have known it but stayed in the relationship, because there was still something unknown in it. But once the "mystery" was gone, once he had everything, it probably confirmed his desires to do something he’d already thought about before–date other girls. Guys (and girls) will say a lot of dumb things to get what they want in the heat of hormones. But let me comfort you by saying, it’s not because you aren’t a great girl, not because you did something wrong to him, but because the one thing that was probably keeping him there–wanting all of you–was now gone.
We’ve all made dumb choices, and this choice of giving yourself to him, resulted in consequences. Those consequences are: him moving on, and you having made a decision that you now regret. It stinks. It doesn’t seem fair. Sex and marriage is something God designed perfectly, but often we don’t realize it until we’ve blown it.
So, here’s my advice to you. Don’t keep writing him or calling him. Let him go. Let him figure his stuff out on his own. Continuing to reach out, even by telling him you’re praying for him, will likely turn him off even more. I know it will be hard, but if God wants the two of you to be together, He can bring you back in His time.
When I was 17, I thought I was going to marry a certain someone. I was convinced of it. With all my heart, I just knew he was the one for me and would have placed a bet on it that we’d marry. And you what happened? We didn’t! God had other plans for me.
A great reading recommendation is For Young Women Only or For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice. It will give you a lot of insight into the minds of guys.
With all of your heart, mind and soul, seek a relationship with God. Stop worrying about your boyfriend, and start finding your worth in God. Let Him be the one and only for you!
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Q: What about exercise? I am only 5′2", so I know in order to lose weight I need to get off the sofa and on to my elliptical machine. Give it up–what are your secrets? Seriously, after three children, how on earth is your stomach so tight? Do you have an iron clad exercise regimen?
I am blessed to be a stay-at-home mother of three, but there are times when I feel very overwhelmed! I am always so busy, between ballet classes and soccer that I never take the time that I need, physically and spiritually. I realize that I need to take care of myself in order to take care of everyone else, but this is easier said than done when you’re in the "mommy trenches!"
As a mother of three, how do you take time for yourself?
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A: I’ll give it up! I play tennis and take Pilates three days a week. Pilates has changed my body in amazing ways. (Thus the tight stomach!) I walk a lot with my children or we go for a bike ride around the neighborhood. I’m out and about every day so I don’t need to do a machine at the gym. But, if the weather doesn’t permit or sports aren’t your thing, you should check into joining a gym and even getting a personal trainer a few days a week. This really helps with the commitment aspect. If that’s not affordable for you, DVD workouts are great! I used to do them all the time when I lived in snowy weather. It was also great when my kids were infants and I didn’t want to take them to the gym.
So, just like you, I’m 5′2" and have 3 kids. If I can do it–you can too! You need to make changes to your daily routine and make exercise a priority. The more you can include your kids the easier it will be. You’ll be teaching them healthy habits that will benefit all of you.
You asked how I do it all and take time for myself? Well, all of my kids are in school now, so I have my mornings free. This gives me the time to work out, answer emails ;) and do my chores etc. It’s all about prioritizing. I feel better when I exercise, so if I start my day off that way, I end up having more energy to get the other things done without being so tired.
Oh, one more thing–we limit the extra paid activities our kids do like sports and ballet. We take that time to do those things WITH our kids. For example, instead of putting them in tennis camps, my husband coaches them and I’ll go out and hit with them. So consider not signing up for soccer one quarter and use that time to ride bikes with the kids and kick the soccer ball with the whole family each Saturday morning. You’ll all have fun, you’ll all be exercising and most importantly, you’ll be able to use those opportunities to teach them Christian character.
About The Author:
Candace is best known for her role as DJ Tanner on ABC’s hit sitcom Full House. Over the years, Candace has been on a self-imposed hiatus in support of her husband, NHL hockey star Valeri Bure and their three beautiful children, ages 4, 6 & 8.
Candace currently speaks at various churches, colleges, and outreach events throughout the year sharing her testimony and Christian faith. She has a heart for evangelism and recently traveled on a missionary trip to Ghana, Africa. Her long history of charitable work includes the Starlight Foundation, Make-A-Wish, Compassion International, Children’s Hunger Fund and Sheridan House Family Ministries.
I recently saw your movie, “No One Would Tell,” on TV, and loved it! It was eye-opening and powerful. Even though I thought that the overall message defeated some of the sinful things in the movie, it didn’t make them go away. I’m wondering what your thoughts on the movie are from a Christian viewpoint. 
Nope–there’s no wrong way to pray. God’s thrilled that you’re spending time with Him. You can’t mess that up! Praying is talking to God, asking Him for wisdom, guidance and requests. The problem we often face is that when God doesn’t answer the way we want Him to, we think it’s not working. It may even seem to be getting worse, as you mentioned. It’s worse in your eyes, but not God’s. He may have other plans for you and is shaping the events in a way for you to get there. After Full House and a run of TV movies ended, I continued to pray for another TV show. It didn’t happen. I continued to pray for more acting jobs, but the door didn’t open. It wasn’t that my prayer requests weren’t working–it’s that God wanted me to be focusing on other things. In my case, it was my family. He wanted me home to be the wife and mother that He called me to be. I couldn’t do that to the best of my ability if I were traveling and working 9 hours a day. It took me a while to figure that out. God isn’t a magical genie where all of our requests are granted. Ask Him, but pray for His will in your life. This means accepting change where God shows you. You can listen to God by reading the Bible–that’s how He speaks to us. Also listening to the Holy Spirit who dwells within you, when you’ve received Christ as your Lord and Saviour. Praying the scriptures is the place to start. Open up the Psalms and read one each day and night. Speak them aloud; even replace words to seek your specific needs. Blessings to you in your journey of prayer.
