TMYP: Text Message Your Preschooler

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(A gentle joke, Cheryl Moeller style)

There comes a time in every child’s life when they are finally too old for the baby monitor…

That’s when it’s time to move on to cell phone text messaging between you and your preschoolers. Forget those outdated phonetics and learning the ABC’s — today’s hip family is moving straight into texting. Everything these days from business alerts to love notes are getting abbreviated in texts. Kids don’t need to learn to read “See Spot run.” They need to be able to alert their mothers to pending demands for munchies: *S4C = Starving for Cookies. See how it works?

Look at all the positive advantages to staying in touch with your preschoolers by texting…

You can stay in close communication when you are at the stove and they are sitting at the table building a Lego castle. That way you can accede to their demands and tantrums in real time. Today’s busy preschoolers simply don’t have the time for a normal give and take conversation. They live in an on demand world, so when they demand a Juicy Juice texting allows you just in time delivery.

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YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A LARGE FAMILY WHEN…

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(A gentle joke, Cheryl Moeller style)

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Holidays are always at your house (Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you).
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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY GAME: “MEAL OR NO MEAL?”

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 For Mother’s Day week, I have added my own game show to the tradition of “Deal or no Deal?” I’m calling it “Meal or No Meal?”

I think I can compete with “Deal or No Deal?” host Howie Mandel but I refuse to shave my head.

My show works this way.
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Read the Instructions or else!

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Kenzie’s dream was a lofty one — to sit upon her own throne on her 9th birthday and unwrap her gifts. So she talked me into buying a Strawberry Shortcake inflatable chair to be used to fulfill not only her royal ambitions but another dream as well. When we moved into our current home four years ago she exacted a promise that I would decorate her room in pink. As you guessed it is still blue, but for one Strawberry Shortcake throw pillow, a Strawberry Shortcake poster, and an inflatable pink throne she would consider her room officially decorated until she reaches the age of 13.

How could I resist?

I must have been blindfolded and taken by a UFO because in a matter of minutes I found myself walking through the aisles of Party City. It was there I bought her the apparently indestructible Strawberry Shortcake Inflatable Chair.

It was now the day before the party and time to blow up the inflatable throne because — well — it’s inflatable.  Being a gifted mother however I informed Kenzie we must read the instructions first.

That’s when the trouble began.
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“Top Ten” Questions a CWAHM has about Laundry

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All of us have questions about our laundry. Women used to have their questions answered by their moms, grandmas and neighbors over the backyard fence as they hung their clothes up on the clothesline. I am a Christian Working at Home Mom (CWAHM) of 6 with mountains of laundry to do. These are some of my unanswered questions about laundry.

"Top Ten" Questions I have about Laundry

1) How come no woman I know has time to hang their bed sheets out to dry on a clothesline but has 45 minutes to drive to a Hallmark store to buy a candle named "country sheets?" (Have you ever tried sleeping with the new candle under your pillow? How come the label carries no warning about lighting it under your head?)
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It’s Time for Spring Housecleaning

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One of our most difficult choices was to sell a new home we had built a
year earlier.  No, we didn’t have mold in the basement or obnoxious
neighbors living next door; we just couldn’t afford it.  We were house
poor and we were honest enough to admit it.  Moving into a house half
the size meant we had to swallow a great deal of our pride.

Why was that so hard to do that one spring?  Materialism teaches the
lie that we are what we own.  It promises that whatever we lack in our
self-confidence we can make up in what we own.

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Introducing Cheryl: Who is Cheryl Moeller and why is she Wanted in Most States?

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(She is wanted to make moms laugh!)

Cheryl Moeller is a seasoned mother and an outrageous stand up comic who will make you laugh until it comes out your nose. She uses her over-the-counter-top humor to bring hope and encouragement to moms trying to cope with the everydayness of life. She believes parents can experience new energy and vitality in enjoying clean and honest humor, a view echoed by the ancient writer of Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

For example, after 25 years of motherhood Cheryl wonders out loud why there aren’t more programs for gifted moms, who actually does buy those whole canned chickens, and why aren’t more people using Diaper Genie leftovers to weave large area rugs? Cheryl cranks up the spin cycle on her dryer and life to help moms cope with too much laundry, raising preschoolers (on 12 hours of sleep per year), surviving teenagers, pleasing relatives, understanding spouses, and the thousand other challenges.

Here’s what audiences are saying about her:

"Cheryl is so funny she had me rolling on the floor! It’s obvious that she has `been there’ and she is willing to share her experiences to relate to other moma…and she has a good time doing it!"
–Lisa, Mom of four under five

"Our MOPS group had a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoyed Cheryl’s comedy and inspirational thoughts. It was great to laugh! Cheryl is doing great things to serve moms."
– Heather, MOPS (Mother of Preschoolers) Director

So who is this woman who causes bladder control problems in audiences everywhere? She is a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, a granddaughter, a friend, a volunteer… well you get the idea. Let’s just say she’s a lot like you and me and has decided the best way for us all to cope is to laugh (don’t try to inhale at the same time — it only makes matters worse).

She’s been married to Bob for 28 years . Their children — who reluctantly admit Bob and Cheryl are their parents — range in age from nine years to 25 years old. They go by pseudo-names for obvious reasons: Duke, Missy, Pooka, Skippy, Megs and Kenzie. The two oldest are in graduate school (trying to figure their parents out), the next two are in college (trying to get their names changed), and the last two are still at home being homeschooled (trying to convince their friends that Bob and Cheryl are not their grandparents.) We have played every sport imaginable. (Can anyone spell lacrosse?) We have been in bands and orchestras.

Katie the dog thinks she is another daughter. Katie the dog has playdates with
other dogs in the neighborhood, scheduled and unscheduled. Katie also celebrated her first birthday with a My Little Pony theme. The family gerbil is named Lily. Their family passions include the Cubs, any sport, bike riding and traveling.

Cheryl is the youngest of four sisters. They are her inspiration. Cinda is a children’s author and educator. Cathy is a special needs person who taught them all about love. Carolyn decided to eradicate a life-long fear by learning to swim at age 50.
This was a catalyst in Cheryl realizing a life long dream and getting up the courage to do comedy.

Cheryl is also a syndicated columnist with her own momlaughs.blogspot.com as well as her monthly contributions to such on-line parent’s websites as:
familiesonlinemagazine.com, Christian-mommies.com,
mommiesmagazine.com, amomslove.com, and CWAHM.com among several others. She has also written for www.mops.org and Marriage Partnership.

Cheryl has also co-authored two books on marriage with her husband, Bob. Her
first comedy book for moms and parents will be released later this year.

Cheryl is wanted (in demand) in several states as a clean stand up comic who
offers her nose-mark humor in a wide variety of venues. She does comedy for
parenting classes, MOPS groups, wedding or baby showers, church retreats,
women’s conferences, and in the line at the grocery store.

If you’d like to book Cheryl for your women’s or mother’s group you can contact
her at at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com.

Warning: The surgeon general has determined that frequent use of Cheryl’s humor
will make you laugh until it comes out your nose.

Please excuse yourself from the table should this happen.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Cheryl Moeller is also a syndicated columnist with her own www.momlaughs.blogspot.com as well as her monthly contributions to such on-line parent’s websites as: www.familiesonlinemagazine.com, www.Christian-mommies.com, www.mommiesmagazine.com, www.amomslove.com, and www.cwahm.com among several others. She has also written for www.mops.org and Marriage Partnership.

Cheryl has also co-authored two books on marriage with her husband, Bob. Her first comedy book for moms and parents will be released later this year.