As a mother of preschoolers, I fell behind the curve when it comes to technology. While other women were sporting ipod touch, iphones, Blackberries, Blue Tooths, iPhones, and Palm Pilots dangling in their ears, all I could manage was a small spiral notebook from the dollar aisle in Walgreens. However, just to stay in the game I decided to refer to it as my Papyrus Pilot. My Bic ballpoint pen is my Cylinder Inkjet 5000.

These are some of the things that I have put in my Papyrus Pilot. First of all there’s a listing of overdue library notices (now in the thousands of dollars, carrying with them threat of foreclosure on our home); the birthdays of all our relatives that I missed while taking anti-nausea drugs for throwing up during pregnancies; the names of our children (I forgot their names while taking anti-nausea drugs;) what my husband wanted for his birthday 12 years ago that’s still on the list after the last child gets their braces….

Are you wondering what I was doing while you were updating? While other people were updating, I was scraping out the remainder of my mauve lipstick with the cap of my ink pen so I could make it last one more week.

While other people were updating, I was spending an hour walking around the block. That’s how long it took me to walk around the block with preschoolers. Read the rest of this entry »

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

Your roadside stand customers offer to pay you, if you’ll keep your vegetables.
Your pesticide company sprays you instead.

You hire a lawyer, to defend yourself, from the class-action lawsuit the locust file against you.

You’re able to grow more mold in the desert, than veggies in your garden.

You hire the United States Secretary of Agriculture, as a consultant, to get a row of radishes to sprout.

Your heart tells you “yes!”; your knees tell you “no!”

Your weeds are your best friends, not your enemies. (You figure, at least with the weeds, something is growing.) Read the rest of this entry »

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

She publishes a Swedish cookbook that begins with, “Add two pounds of butter, two gallons of cream and a quart of sugar…”

She had the bridesmaids’ wear dresses with wide blue and yellow stripes at her wedding.

She tries to administer coffee and pastry to a man choking in a restaurant.

She asks the grocery store manager where she can find the ice cream with meatballs. Read the rest of this entry »

The MFL (Mom For Laughs) needs to tell the NFL…

* to talk out their issues and problems, instead of shoving, pushing, and tackling out there on the field.

* to stop whispering out there in huddles, it makes the other team feel bad to be talking about them.

* that the real Super Bowl is the white big bowl in the bathroom.

* that the point of wearing a uniform is to help you act more polite and respectful in school. So, why do these men put on uniforms, then start ramming each other and doing crazy dances in the end zone to celebrate it? No one should clap for them when they do either. Read the rest of this entry »

Mom’s 2009 New Year’s Resolutions, Two Months Later…

January 1st: “I will learn to sleep standing up.”
March 1st: “I won’t fall asleep behind the wheel.”

January 1st: “I will find at least one pair of matching socks.”
March 1st: “Finding one pair of matching socks is statisically
identical to being hit with a meteor, while vacationing in Florida.”

January 1st: “I will use only one email address.”
March 1st: “I will go from eight to seven email addresses.”

January 1st: “I won’t send SPAM to anyone this year on my computer.”
March 1st: “Why can’t I send SPAM if I want to? I grew up eating the stuff.”

January 1st: “I will serve only totally organic meals to my family.”
March 1st: “I will limit serving fast food at our family lunch table, to just twelve meals a week.”
Read the rest of this entry »

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

1) Only drive your kids to destinations that are downhill from you.

2) Tell your boss you can’t come into work in honor of Stephanie Tanner’s birthday (and hope he doesn’t watch Full House).

3) See if your automobile will run on syrup.

4) As a science project, have your kids siphon your neighbor’s gasoline.

5) Throw a family block party at your house; but instead of a side dish have guests bring a barrel of crude oil. (Call it an OPEQ themed party.)
Read the rest of this entry »

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

1) When you start telling your kids that you’re bored.

2) You’ve quit wearing perfume and instead settle for two sprays of mosquito
repellent..

3) You’ve grilled everything you can think of including your husband’s favorite
pair of flip flops.
Read the rest of this entry »

(A gentle joke, Cheryl Moeller style)

There comes a time in every child’s life when they are finally too old for the baby monitor…

That’s when it’s time to move on to cell phone text messaging between you and your preschoolers. Forget those outdated phonetics and learning the ABC’s — today’s hip family is moving straight into texting. Everything these days from business alerts to love notes are getting abbreviated in texts. Kids don’t need to learn to read “See Spot run.” They need to be able to alert their mothers to pending demands for munchies: *S4C = Starving for Cookies. See how it works?

Look at all the positive advantages to staying in touch with your preschoolers by texting…

You can stay in close communication when you are at the stove and they are sitting at the table building a Lego castle. That way you can accede to their demands and tantrums in real time. Today’s busy preschoolers simply don’t have the time for a normal give and take conversation. They live in an on demand world, so when they demand a Juicy Juice texting allows you just in time delivery.

Read the rest of this entry »

(A gentle joke, Cheryl Moeller style)

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Holidays are always at your house (Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you).
Read the rest of this entry »

 For Mother’s Day week, I have added my own game show to the tradition of “Deal or no Deal?” I’m calling it “Meal or No Meal?”

I think I can compete with “Deal or No Deal?” host Howie Mandel but I refuse to shave my head.

My show works this way.
Read the rest of this entry »