by Cheryl Moeller

1. Any roadside diner advertising, “Home Cooking” and “Free Oil Change.”

2. Any medieval jousting match asking for your blood type and name of next of kin.

3. Any mule trip into the Grand Canyon selling only one-way tickets.

4. Any tour of a nuclear power plant promising, “You’ll be the first on your block to glow in the dark.”

5. Any Wild West rodeo cautioning, “Patrons must not feed the bulls that charge into the bleachers.”

6. Any 3D Imax theater showing, “The Fantastic Gall Bladder.”

7. Any water amusement park promising, “Raging Rivers and E-Coli Fun for Everyone!”

8. Any helicopter ride requiring proof of a Last Will and Testament.

9. Any bungee-jump offering, “Full Money Back Guarantee If We Forget to Tie the Cord.”

10. Any `All You Can Eat’ Buffett boasting, “We Never Serve the Same Customer Twice!”

by Cheryl Moeller

1. “This is boring…” Answer: Pretend you are one of the Irish Tenors and sing “Danny Boy” at the top of your voice while occasionally dabbing your eyes with a Kleenex.”

2. “It’s taking too long to get there…” Answer: Tell the kids, “The people we’re going to visit serve stewed spinach and frozen ox tongue for breakfast and lunch every day. Still want us to step on it?”

3. “I’d rather be back home in my own room…” Answer: Hold up an envelope and tear it in half again and again and say, “You’re absolutely right. I always told your grandparents these tickets to Disneyland were a stupid idea from the very beginning.”

4. “I think we need to stop, I’m feeling sick…” Answer: “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. But don’t worry…look up… I’ve taped a lunch bag on the car ceiling, above each seat.”

5. “She’s sitting on my side of the seat. Tell her to move over…”
Answer: Crawl over the back seat between them and attempt to stand on your head on the floor of the car while flailing your legs in the air shouting, “Danger…danger…Will Smith…intruder detected….danger….”

6. “You promised this would be fun…” Answer: Produce two oxygen masks from the glove compartment, putting one on your husband’s face and the other on your own. Breathe deeply then start laughing hysterically. Keep laughing until you are crying, While you both are still unable to speak scratch out the words, “Laughing Gas” on a piece of paper. Offer to share your masks with the kids.

7. “There’s nothing I like to eat here…” Answer: Bring along some large granola pieces poured into a dog food bag. Pour them out in a dish at the restaurant and start eating with just your mouth. Look up occasionally and bark. When you’re finished say, “Hmmm…you’re right. This tastes so much better. Here, you try some.”

8. “We never have enough money to have any real fun…” Answer: “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Second Answer: “Actually money does grow on trees, because it’s made out of paper.”

More on: http://www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

by CWAHM Columnist Cheryl Moeller

1. It’s no longer appropriate for mom to wear snowshoes in church.

2. Mom’s sweater with the big moose will scare people on Easter.

3. You can take the shovel out of the front seat and let your spouse sit there again.

4. When Little Ricky asks for salt at the table don’t hand him a 20 lb pound bag.

5. Dad no longer needs a pick-up truck with a hydraulic blade to get a Big Mac after midnight.

6. Mom shouldn’t plan on driving her mini-van that far out onto the lake to go ice fishing in May.

7. The cheap tickets mom just bought the whole family on-line to the Vancouver Olympics are probably not going to be all that much fun.

8. If mom’s favorite store is still offering “After Christmas Bargains” they are probably dealing in stolen goods.

9. Dying dad’s long underwear a spring color is not a spring fashion statement.

10. The skin on the kid’s arms is still there — even if you haven’t seen it for six months.

More on http://www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

by Cheryl Moeller

1. When it reaches 34 degrees above zero you roll out the backyard slip-n-slide and spend the afternoon gliding on your stomach honking like an Pacific seal.

2. You wear your thermal underwear instead of nylons to formal occasions (and no one notices).

3. You use the wrong end of the snow shovel and still finish the driveway in less than 30 minutes.

4. You read by the 20 watt light in the refrigerator to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder.

5. You demand to leave your boots on during a pedicure.

6. To save time shopping you snowmobile through Walmart (causing several prices to rollback as you roar by).

7. To lose weight you take your goose down coat in for liposuction.

8. You spend all day Saturday frustrated at ice fishing (you can’t get the boat motor to start).

9. You’re arrested for pointing a gun at a groundhog and telling him he has 10 seconds to see his shadow or he’s stewmeat.

10. When the clerk at Dairy Queen asks you what kind of Blizzard you would like you begin to sob uncontrollably.

About the Author:
Cheryl Moeller
www.momlaughs.blogspot.com
www.bobandcherylmoeller.com

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

1. The gift of Love – Know unconditional love.

“In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.” Exodus 15:13

2. The gift of Joy – Thrill your heart and others with His joy! Rap it up!

“Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy in his dwelling place. Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength, ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name. Bring an offering and come before him; worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness.” Duet. 16:27-29

3. The gift of Peace – Jesus has promised us peace. Jesus speaks to us and reminds us of this of this truth!

“He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me. All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:24-27

4. The gift of Patience – Wear and share the new clothes of patience! You are looking good!

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12

5. The gift of Kindness – Treasure kindess, but it doesn’t need to be rare.

“Don’t be afraid,” David said to him, “for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table.” 2 Samuel 9:7

6. The gift of Goodness – Don’t let the goodness of the Lord pass you by.

“And the LORD said, ‘I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.’” Exodus 33:19

7. The gift of Faithfulness – New every morning is God’s gift of faithfulness.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’” Lamentations 3:22-24

8. The gift of Gentleness – Gentlesness brings the Lord near.

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:5

9. The gift of Self Control – A gift to our family is not only what we do, but also what we don’t do, that is called Self Control.

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” Philippians. 1:27

10. The gift of Salvation – The only gift you can’t live without. Salvation is the gift of eternal and infinite value, free to all.

“For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I Thessalonians 5:9

By Cheryl Moeller
www.momlaughs.blogspot.com
www.bobandcherylmoeller.com

by Cheryl Moeller

While it’s a nice thought, very polite, and good manners to teach your kids to be thankful, it is not the whole truth. It’s like wishing someone good wishes, when you could be praying for them. It’s like saying a good word, when you could be saying a good word about Jesus. It’s like hoping they get well, when you could be praying and trusting for the Great Physician to heal and comfort them. It’s like standing in the middle of a field and saying thank you for the trees, instead of looking up to heaven and thanking the God and Creator of the Universe for His Creation.

This Thanksgiving, let’s not just teach our children to be thankful, let’s teach them Who to thank.

1. Crown of Thanks. Cut different shapes and colors of leaves out of colored paper. Write on the leaves what you want to thank God for. Tape on the wall, up around the ceiling. Circle the room with a crown of thanks to the Lord this.

2. Be Thankful Finger Play.

Lord, I have two hands, 10 fingers that can I wiggle
Lord, I’m thankful for jello, yellow jello that I can jiggle

(hold up your hands, wiggle your little finger on your left hand first.
wiggle wiggle – First, I’m thank for_________
Keep your hands up high, wiggle your ring finger next on your left hand
wiggle wiggle – Second I’m thankful for ________
(Keep going with all ten fingers, until you are all the way to your little finger on your right hand.)

Lord, I’m thankful for 10 things, but there’s so many more.
But most of all I’m thankful for Jesus, It’s Him that I adore

3. Thank You Reflection. Keep Post-its in the shape of a turkey or leaf near the bathroom mirror, family members and visitors can write down what they are thankful for this Thanksgiving week and post-it on the bathroom mirror.

4. Thank you List. What we are thankful list, instead of what we want. Do you usually have a ongoing grocery list on your refrigerator, where family members can write down a grocery item that is missing from the cupboards or refrigerator? How about keeping a list of what you are thankful for, this Thanksgiving? Keep a running list of what you are thankful for, that you do have this Thanksgiving.

5. Thankful Cake. On the dessert table this year at Thanksgiving consider including a Thankful Cake. Write on the top of the Thankful Cake in the middle “We are thankful for,,,” Then, write different things that people are thankful for on top of the Thankful Cake, before serving.

6. Thank the Lord Around the World. Thank the Lord in different languages. Write or record thank you in many different languages around the world. Before the Thanksgiving family prayer at the table, you could play the recording, as you thank God for loving the whole world and giving his only begotten son for the world, that whosoever believes in Him, might not perish, but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

7. Hymn Sing. Why not continue or start a Thanksgiving tradition of singing together? Sing several hymns or praise songs together before or after your Thanksgiving meal.

8. Thank You Video. You can make a video throughout the morning of Thanksgiving Day, interviewing family members with the question, “What are you most thankful to the Lord for this Thanksgiving?” Show the video before or after Thanksgiving Dinner. Most point and shoot digital cameras come with a video camera function which can serve this purpose well. That the family might know that we are not only thankful this Thanksgiving, but that we know who to thank – To God be the Glory.

www.bobandcherylmoeller.com
www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

Mom Humor by Cheryl Moeller

… Your only friends are the clerks at the grocery store and the receptionist at your pediatrician.

… Your dinner consists of leftovers taken off everyone else’s plates.

… You can change a toddler’s diaper while he is doing cartwheels.

… You add baby formula to the mashed potatoes to avoid going to the store for another gallon of milk.

… You spend your birthday money on a kit to remove your own ear wax.

… You have to get up at 3:00 Am to take a hot bath and actually enjoy talking to the floating plastic penguins your daughter left.

… You celebrate finding the last clean diaper like most people celebrate finding a winning lottery ticket.

… You aren’t happy when your husband cleans out the car because you’ve now lost everything you own.

… You do get a night out at a fine restaurant you still try and order spaghettios with meatballs.

… You are happy if someone makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, for you.

… You once lived on your couch for 24 hours without getting up.

… You call your husband, dad, because, well, everyone else in the house does…

… Your kids bounce, off the ceilings, instead of off the walls.

… Your flip flops are both lefties and you can still chase your child down the driveway in less than 3.5 seconds.

… You hear your daughter say, “When I grow up, I want to be a mother, only I’ll think I’ll still comb my hair.”

1. Their husband was still snoring when the contractions were less than a minute apart.

2. The childbirth coach promised the contractions wouldn’t hurt any more than holding an ice cube in her hand. She’s never been able to take ice in her tea, since then.

3. Rather than playing soothing music in the birthing room, her husband listened to ESPN Classics rerun of the 1987 Super Bowl.

4. The doctor decided to play an additional nine holes and ordered the Pictosin drip turned down to one drip per hour.

5. Her husband took a picture of her facial expressions, during hard labor and used it for their family Christmas letter.

6. The hospital mistakenly delivered a taco supreme with Tabasco sauce, instead of clear broth and ice chips for lunch.

7. The florist tied five dozen helium balloons to the end of the bed, causing it to rise at a 45 degree angle for over an hour.

8. The nurse mistakenly wrote the name of the prescription on the birth certificate — making her the proud mother of a girl named Tylenol 3.

9. Your husband promised the entire delivery room staff a sit down Thanksgiving dinner the day after you arrive home.

10. She overheard her husband in the hallway saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is about labor…I think she’s being overly dramatic…”

About the Author:
Cheryl Moeller, comedian, author, mom of 6, conference speaker, and blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

by Cheryl Moeller

1. You let the kids play with the water hose — in the living room.

2. Mom and dad are doing full-out cannon ball dives into the community swimming pool — that is, until they ask you to leave.

3. Bedtime is now 7:30 sharp — in the morning.

4. You roasted s’mores with the kids over an open fire last night — that is after the marshmallow catches fire on your stovetop.

5. You make truckloads of lemonade for dinner — using the water from the fire hydrant.

6. You call your friends and tell them you’re calling from seaside at Martha’s “Grape” Vineyard — actually you’re sitting in a 2 foot plastic wading pool, after your son smears grape jelly all over his face.

7. You contact Carnival Cruise Line on-line and ask if they will sell your family one way tickets.

8. You tell your husband you’re having “shrimp on the barbie” for supper — actually its your way of telling your husband that your five-year-old daughter left her favorite doll on the gas grille.

9. You call your favorite baby-sitter and insist tonight they read a story and make macaroni and cheese — for you.

10. Mom finally takes a nap — but doesn’t notice, under the sprinkler.

About Cheryl:
Cheryl Moeller, comedian, author, mom of 6, conference speaker, and blogger at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

You are a Supermom……

…if you peel your kids’ grapes.
…if you do your kids’ laundry, even before they wear their clean clothes.
…if you are way more interested in planning your eight-year-old’s birthday party, than your eight-year-old is.
…if you have to limit yourself to only vacuuming 30x a day.
…if you dilute your kids’ soda pop, worried the bubbles will frighten them.
…if you bake totally organic bread, with absolutely no crust.
…if you have each kid, each day, in over 500 activities.
…if you start to teach your daughter classical french, and the doctor asks if you mind waiting, until he cuts the umbilical cord.
…if you lay awake sobbing that your four-year-old won’t get into Harvard, because they lost the coloring contest at Wendy’s Restaurant.
…if you think your two-year-old doesn’t have potential to be an Olympic ice skater, because they don’t twirl properly, in the balls at MacDonalds.
…if you peel your kids’ hot dogs.
…if you urge your kid to run for president and the contractions are still five minutes apart.
…if you hire an oil painter to do a portrait, of your baby’s ultrasound.

Read more of Cheryl Moeller’s Humor on Mom Laughs

As a mother of preschoolers, I fell behind the curve when it comes to technology. While other women were sporting ipod touch, iphones, Blackberries, Blue Tooths, iPhones, and Palm Pilots dangling in their ears, all I could manage was a small spiral notebook from the dollar aisle in Walgreens. However, just to stay in the game I decided to refer to it as my Papyrus Pilot. My Bic ballpoint pen is my Cylinder Inkjet 5000.

These are some of the things that I have put in my Papyrus Pilot. First of all there’s a listing of overdue library notices (now in the thousands of dollars, carrying with them threat of foreclosure on our home); the birthdays of all our relatives that I missed while taking anti-nausea drugs for throwing up during pregnancies; the names of our children (I forgot their names while taking anti-nausea drugs;) what my husband wanted for his birthday 12 years ago that’s still on the list after the last child gets their braces….

Are you wondering what I was doing while you were updating? While other people were updating, I was scraping out the remainder of my mauve lipstick with the cap of my ink pen so I could make it last one more week.

While other people were updating, I was spending an hour walking around the block. That’s how long it took me to walk around the block with preschoolers.

While other people were chatting on their newest equipment, I was chasing Pooka out of a drainage ditch. Every time I would ever start a conversation with another human around my age, Pooka would head either for a wet ditch, a river, a train track or a tollway. Pooka makes Curious George seem satisfied.

While other people were updating, I was dating my spouse.

While other people were updating, I was laboring in childbirth.

While other people were updating, I was handing out hugs and kisses for all sorts of boo boos that preschool kids can get into.

While other people were updating, I was making dinner. I don’t have a palm pilot to plan the family’s menus.

My Papyrus Pilot does a good job recording the grocery list. I always use my Papyrus Pilot in meal planning. I need help because the three words that I fear most in the English language are, “What’s for dinner?” I have trouble deciding what’s for dinner. And it’s a question at least one of the kids hits me with before 9:00 Am. I can’t think pasta primavera before the Cheerios are scraped off the floor. And I know the clock will keep ticking toward 6:00 Pm and I’d better have something steaming, stewing or grilling.

Over the years I’ve decided a number of meal planning methods. My least favorite was to open the freezer and make whatever fell out and hit me on the head. It had spontaneity going for it, but the lump on my head grew monotonous. Besides, we couldn’t afford the monthly brain scans this home making method demanded.
Even with this failsafe method there are certain things I won’t make for dinner. Because when I was pregnant with six children, not all at once mind you, I calculated that I threw up a combined total of 2000 times. I am not kidding. One of the combinations of foods I will not eat together is potato chips and milk. Why? Because I refuse to eat something that at one time has come out of my nose.

I finally settled on deciding what was for dinner according to the days of the week. Monday is for M so we eat meatloaf or meatballs; Tuesday is for T so we eat tacos or turkey, Wednesday is for W which limits us to watermelon and watercress sandwiches. And how do I remember what day it is? I use my Papyrus Pilot, of course.

Want to instant message someone? It’s easier than ever with Papyrus Pilot. Forget the tiny keyboard. With Papyrus Pilot, just write the information on a piece of genuine, undigital paper, tear it off and hand it to them. It’s instant! It’s a message!

So buy a papyrus pilot, simplify your life and enjoy your spouse, your children, sunsets, fresh air and the important things in life that really do last.

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

Your roadside stand customers offer to pay you, if you’ll keep your vegetables.
Your pesticide company sprays you instead.

You hire a lawyer, to defend yourself, from the class-action lawsuit the locust file against you.

You’re able to grow more mold in the desert, than veggies in your garden.

You hire the United States Secretary of Agriculture, as a consultant, to get a row of radishes to sprout.

Your heart tells you “yes!”; your knees tell you “no!”

Your weeds are your best friends, not your enemies. (You figure, at least with the weeds, something is growing.)

You don’t have fourteen trillion zucchinis to pass out in late August

Your sweat is how you water your garden, causing flooding to kill your plants.

You buy veggies at the store and then lay them around in your garden, to impress others

Your woodchucks know your first name and you attend Junior Woodchuck’s high school graduation.

You attempt to rototill your driveway.

Your neighbor’s compost heap wins first place in the county fair, instead of your garden.

You drive your spade deep into the ground for the first time and lights flicker in the neighborhood.

You planted on New Year’s Day, because the seeds were on sale.

Your rabbits actually prefer the plastic vegetable display on your kitchen table.

Your slice of cheese, in the bottom of the frig, is the only thing green growing on your property.

Your zucchinis are bought by the United Starts Defense Department, for artillery training.

The only Burpee in your garden is from indigestion.

About the Author:
By Cheryl Moeller, read more of her humor and check out her books on
www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

She publishes a Swedish cookbook that begins with, “Add two pounds of butter, two gallons of cream and a quart of sugar…”

She had the bridesmaids’ wear dresses with wide blue and yellow stripes at her wedding.

She tries to administer coffee and pastry to a man choking in a restaurant.

She asks the grocery store manager where she can find the ice cream with meatballs.

She scolds her children for eating their vegetables before their rice pudding dessert (“It will ruin your appetite…”).

She serves tiny mashed potato sandwiches for appetizers.

She names her triplets Arvid, Arvid, and Arvid (after her husband and his two older brothers).

She puts a smorgasbord (a buffet of 20 different entrees) daily in her daughter’s lunch box (“Oofta mia…A child cannot think on an empty stomach…”).

She drinks her black coffee from a saucer with a sugar cube tucked in the side of her mouth (the cup is filled with heavy cream just in case she needs a swig).

She cuts a homemade doughnut in half – then eats both halves.

She demands to know why Starbucks does not have lutefisk flavored coffee (lutefisk is a dried codfish preserved in lye).

She has a bumper sticker that reads, “I brake for sugar and blonde wood furniture.”

She marvels at the condensation on the bottom of her milk glass, which takes the shape of cinnamon rolls.

She starts all out preparation for St. Lucia Day in July, and wonders aloud why it’s not a bank holiday.

She complains that accordion players never win a Grammy.

She rides her large Dala wooden horse, when no one is watching.

She believes a mom is as strong as her coffee.

By CWAHM Columnist, Cheryl Moeller

The MFL (Mom For Laughs) needs to tell the NFL…

* to talk out their issues and problems, instead of shoving, pushing, and tackling out there on the field.

* to stop whispering out there in huddles, it makes the other team feel bad to be talking about them.

* that the real Super Bowl is the white big bowl in the bathroom.

* that the point of wearing a uniform is to help you act more polite and respectful in school. So, why do these men put on uniforms, then start ramming each other and doing crazy dances in the end zone to celebrate it? No one should clap for them when they do either.

* that those men in the black and white striped shirts, carrying a whistle should use their yellow handkerchiefs and not throw them down on the field. And why use yellow ones? they don’t match anyone’s outfit.

* that those men floating up there in that big Goodyear helium balloon should come down right now before it pops and someone gets hurt. Besides, they are cheating — hanging up there trying to see the game without having to buy a ticket. Shame on them.

* that it’s really not nice to pour a huge bucket of Gatorade on that man with the clipboard, standing on the sidelines at the end of the game. That’s probably his homework he’s been working on the entire game. Now it’s all wet and the teacher will make him stay after school and do it all over again.

* that coaches should know when you call a “time out” you should make all the players go over and sit in the corner for 30 minutes, and think about what they have done wrong. And you don’t let them back on the field, until they say they’re sorry. They usually let them run back on the field in just two minutes — it only encourages bad behavior.

* that NFL teams don’t need a coach. What they really need is a MFL super mom, who won’t give the guys supper, if they come in with their uniforms all dirty one more time.

Mom’s 2009 New Year’s Resolutions, Two Months Later…

January 1st: “I will learn to sleep standing up.”
March 1st: “I won’t fall asleep behind the wheel.”

January 1st: “I will find at least one pair of matching socks.”
March 1st: “Finding one pair of matching socks is statisically
identical to being hit with a meteor, while vacationing in Florida.”

January 1st: “I will use only one email address.”
March 1st: “I will go from eight to seven email addresses.”

January 1st: “I won’t send SPAM to anyone this year on my computer.”
March 1st: “Why can’t I send SPAM if I want to? I grew up eating the stuff.”

January 1st: “I will serve only totally organic meals to my family.”
March 1st: “I will limit serving fast food at our family lunch table, to just twelve meals a week.”

January 1st: “I will exercise every single day in 2009, for at least one hour.”
March 1st: “I’ll buy a DVD of the 2008 Olympics and watch it for 30 minutes a
day.”

January 1st: “I will not only wash, but also dry all our dirty dishes,
immediately after each meal.”
March 1st: “I will train my cat to dry dishes, the dog already washes them.”

January 1st: “I will remember my own birthday and celebrate in a special way.”
March 1st: “I will somehow forget how old I am.”

January 1st: “I will make a time for reading each day in 2009.”
March 1st: “I will read the back of grocery store receipts to see if I have earned enough points to get for free, the featured Teflon cookware.”

Read more of Cheryl Moeller’s Humor on Mom Laughs

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

1) Only drive your kids to destinations that are downhill from you.

2) Tell your boss you can’t come into work in honor of Stephanie Tanner’s birthday (and hope he doesn’t watch Full House).

3) See if your automobile will run on syrup.

4) As a science project, have your kids siphon your neighbor’s gasoline.

5) Throw a family block party at your house; but instead of a side dish have guests bring a barrel of crude oil. (Call it an OPEQ themed party.)

6) Car pool with neighbors and friends, but whenever it’s your turn to drive tell them to take the bus because you’re going green.

7) Use the squeege for the car windows at the gas station to wash your whole automobile.

Make your kids quit all sports except cross country.

9) Check into the legal restrictions of taking riding lawnmowers onto U.S.
highways.

10) Have your vacation at home. (Tell your kids you’re pretty sure that your garage is just like Universal Studios.)

Check out my new ebook Homeschool Your Preschooler on $1 a Day by Cheryl Moeller. It’s not just for typical homeschoolers. It’s also 100s of ideas for parents, grandparents, Sunday school teachers, AWANA teachers, babysitters, and caregivers that are free or nearly free.

(Gentle Christian Humor…)

1) When you start telling your kids that you’re bored.

2) You’ve quit wearing perfume and instead settle for two sprays of mosquito
repellent..

3) You’ve grilled everything you can think of including your husband’s favorite
pair of flip flops.

4) The only family vacation you want to take is to Slumberland.

5) You cut the grass in the shape of a giant calendar so you can mark the days
until school starts.

6) You’ve started using the hedge clippers to trim your own hair.

7) The lemonade has turned ruby red — exactly the same color as the tube of lipstick you can’t find.

You’ve eaten so much sweet corn that you now chew your green beans holding them with both hands.

9) Your garden produced so many zucchinis that you have started hiding them in the purses of friends who visit.

10) You get caught trying to buy school supplies for yourself.

(A gentle joke, Cheryl Moeller style)

There comes a time in every child’s life when they are finally too old for the baby monitor…

That’s when it’s time to move on to cell phone text messaging between you and your preschoolers. Forget those outdated phonetics and learning the ABC’s — today’s hip family is moving straight into texting. Everything these days from business alerts to love notes are getting abbreviated in texts. Kids don’t need to learn to read “See Spot run.” They need to be able to alert their mothers to pending demands for munchies: *S4C = Starving for Cookies. See how it works?

Look at all the positive advantages to staying in touch with your preschoolers by texting…

You can stay in close communication when you are at the stove and they are sitting at the table building a Lego castle. That way you can accede to their demands and tantrums in real time. Today’s busy preschoolers simply don’t have the time for a normal give and take conversation. They live in an on demand world, so when they demand a Juicy Juice texting allows you just in time delivery.

Another advantage is that your preschooler is more apt to respond to your text message than your voice. Let’s say your four year old is going on a bike ride with dad. Don’t yell out the door, “Kyle are you wearing your helmet? That is so yesterday. Just text him, K RU Wearing HMIT? He’s sure to answer with something like, HOSBO. (Helmet on and seatbelt on.)

Texting is quicker and allows for more discreet conversation when called for. For instance, say your child is at grandma’s and you remember you didn’t send along a diaper. Simply text: RYPT (Remember your Potty Training). When he has a discreet moment he can text message back, 2 LATE.

Texting allows preschoolers to strengthen eye-hand coordination, build small

motor skills and increase vocabulary. Where else do four year olds get to practice on an area the size of a small tooth? It’s worth noting that while tots as tiny as three are able to grasp the art of texting, adults, on the other hand, are frequently reduced to tears trying to find the comma on their cell keypad. We recommend checking out resources to help you at your local library such as, Pushing Buttons for Dummies and Grownups.

Text messaging can also be used to help build your preschooler’s self-esteem. Simply send random messages as, URGR8 @ PD (You are great at Play Dough), or HMWYA (Hannah Montana Wants Your Autograph). Your child should never wonder at any given moment what you are thinking.

In the wake of the growing popularity of texting for tots, new related businesses are springing up. One enterprising Chicagoland teen has started a business called Textingfortots, where busy parents can have all sorts of things texted to their preschoolers on an established schedule. Birthday greetings, jokes on April Fool’s Day, notes from Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. There’s even reminders to make cards for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Through the service,
kids can also download bedtime stories to their Blackberries.

Text messaging takes most of the work out of parenting. In closing, you can spend more time at the spa to have mud wraps by eliminating facetime and letting technology turn you into a virtual parent. To aid you in your journey toward cyber-nurture here’s a handy and up-to-date dictionary of common Preschool Texting Messages and Answers:

SGHWYCT = Show Grandma how well you can talk

G3GO3 = Gaa, Gaa, Gaa, Goo, Goo, Goo

TYN = Take Your Nap

IYD = In your dreams

EYB = Eat Your Broccoli
FVC = Favorite Cereal

NMSOCP = Need more sugar on Cocoa Puffs

DC = Diaper Change?

2 Late = No translation necessary.

*VIN4C = Starving for Cookies

OHFFS = Only Healthy Food for Snacks

PMSOHH = Put More Syrup on Ho-Ho’s

IJMYT = I just made you tofu

RUK? = Are you kidding?

SC$SH = Success with Shopping (found Pampers 50% off)

SB? = Seatbelt On?

PT = Potty Training

2 Late

SC = Drink Your Sippy Cup

JC2LCC = Just Chugged 2 Liter Coca-Cola

TMM = Text Message Me Urgent Please

CTHDFC = Can’t Talk, Helping Dad Find Comma

It should be noted that a recent study found that irritated tots were turning off their new technology gadgets at an alarming rate and climbing into their parent’s laps to demand stories and facetime instead.

Read More of Cheryl Moeller’s Humor for Moms at Mom Laughs blog

Check out Cheryl and MacKenzie Moeller’s book Lexi’s Homeschool Diary

(A gentle joke, Cheryl Moeller style)

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Holidays are always at your house (Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you).

Your monthly grocery store receipt is 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time you go shopping).

You are happy to get your oldest daughter’s hand-me-downs.

As long as you book it by the fourth of July, you are guaranteed a reserved table at your favorite restaurant for your whole family for Valentine’s Day.

You use a whole box of oatmeal to make breakfast (and that’s for the younger kids and newborns).

Your driveway looks like a used car lot (your husband wears a plaid sport coat and has to check with his manager before handing you the key).

Read More of Cheryl’ Clean Humor for Moms at Mom Laughs Blog

Read Cheryl and Mackenzie Moeller’s new Christian juvenile fiction with homeschooled characters:

Lexi’s Homeschool Diary

 For Mother’s Day week, I have added my own game show to the tradition of “Deal or no Deal?” I’m calling it “Meal or No Meal?”

I think I can compete with “Deal or No Deal?” host Howie Mandel but I refuse to shave my head.

My show works this way.

I have just been on a homeschool field trip to measure the width at the widest spot in the Fox River, the pediatrician, the post office, the oil change place, and pharmacy. But, of course, I am expected at 6:00 Pm to be home and produce a sumptuous, savory, and satisfying meal.

It’s my 26 or is it 6 kids who are opening up the briefcases showing clues as to what they want for dinner. My kids claim they really aren’t all that picky when it comes to eating but it’s not true. One of them wants Kosher and organic, one is eating Atkins, and another one is eating carbs only. Then I have the child who wants no refined sugar or caffeine. Finally I have two who refuse anything unless you have to peel it or crack it to find the natural food inside like bananas or peanuts. Try making a meal out of that!

In the 17 days over Christmas break our college age kids joined us at home and with all of us bellying up to the table three times a day I estimated that before “vacation” was over I would have prepared 408 meals. That’s eight people at three meals a day for 17 days. You do the math.

My son Pooka had the nerve to ask me, “Why wasn’t I getting out more? Didn’t I want some “me” time?”

“You’ve just got to make the time,” he advised.

So the lights come on and here we are in front of the “Meal or No Meal?” studio audience. I open the refrigerator and produce the frozen pheasant my husband shot last fall. It’s frosty, somewhat red, and has a tail feather sticking out.

“Meal or no meal?” I ask.”

The kids huddle and confer. “No meal!” they yell.

I then walk over to the microwave and open the door so all can see the macaroni and cheese plate that got set on 10 minutes instead of 1 minute. They look like taconite iron pellets painted black. My husband plans to use them to shoot more pheasants. I point at both and say, “Meal or no meal?” (I am thinking I should have made it in the oven instead of the microwave because when I do that it’s so much easier to pass off ready made meals as my own.)

They hesitate for a moment and then start jumping up and down, “No meal!” Everyone cheers.

I then casually walk over to the oven and open the door. There are two turkey legs from Thanksgiving that fell off and have been covered by aluminum foil for the last three months. Each one now appears to have the rough skin of a tyrannosaurus Rex. “Meal or no meal?” I ask.

“Maybe we should take it,” one desperate kid pleads.

I tell them it’s from the new genre of cooking called “minimalist.” It suits an extremely busy mom just fine. Some defeathered turkey legs and eight washed plums in an earthy, homemade basket in the middle of the table puts me on the cutting edge.

“No sirree!” the others respond. “No meal! No meal!”

“Very well,” I say. I stroll over to the pantry closet, open it, and show the kids five potatoes that have grown horns like Santa’s reindeer. They are soft, pliable, and now a lovely green. Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. “Meal or no meal?” I ask with a smile.

“Don’t do it!” our youngest shouts. “I hate green.”

The older children relent and say, “No meal!”

I casually close the doors and walk over to the couch in the living room. I warn them we are getting down to their last choice. I then lift up the middle couch cushion and produce the bag of Cheetos that was left there when my oldest son entered first grade.

“They’re still orange,” I say, “at least when you pull them apart. It fits in with the trendy medieval style of eating where no silverware is used.”

The kids start to waiver. Someone lunges for the bell but then pulls back. “No meal!” they announce.

At that I take my coat, purse, and keys and casually answer, “You win! There’s No Meal tonight. I’m going to Panera to eat supper with the Banker (your father). See you tomorrow night, same time, same channel.”

Behind me I hear the oven door open and one of the kids asks, “Why are those turkey legs still moving?”

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!