As I write this, the scent of peanut butter lingers on my hands. I just finished making “spider snacks” with my 6-year-old son, Joshua, for a neighborhood Halloween party tomorrow, complete with crackers, peanut butter, pretzel legs and chocolate chips and raisins for the eyes and mouths.

Am I exhausted? Yes. Am I glad I did it (and caught it on film?) Very much so—partially, because last night I missed a moment to snuggle on the couch with him and watch “You’re The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.” Instead, I worked on my laptop and stopped for a moment to hear my favorite part, when Charlie Brown sadly says, “I gotta rock!”  (Who of us have not had days like that?)

Each day I am beginning to understand the incredible value of family traditions. Whether we realize it or not, our children are storing memories away that will be the traditions they remember. And as they grow older, and deal with difficulties in life, they will fall back on the things they remember from childhood that brought them comfort. Most likely, these will be the traditions you had as a family.

And you will never be able to predict what they value as a family tradition, compared to what you value. While you may believe that gathering around the Thanksgiving table and sharing how thankful you are each year is a special tradition, they may also remember other events that repeat themselves each year.

My sister and I still joke how our Christmas tradition at about 10 a.m. Christmas morning was hearing our mother frantically call, “We’re not going to make it! We’re not going to make it! They are going to be here!” promptly followed by the fire alarm going of because something for Christmas dinner had overcooked.

As a chronically ill mom, to be honest, I am always tired. That probably won’t change. But I do have a choice. If I don’t intentionally create some fun traditions for my son remember, then the only leftovers memories will be me saying, “I can’t. I’m too tired. Let mommy rest, okay?”

If you are a parent with an illness, there is a time to let your family go downhill skiing while you curl up with a good book. But you also must create traditions that you can participate in. For example, my son and I put together “Boo” buckets this week. You include a poem (off the internet), candy, a few goodies and then leave it at neighbors’ doorsteps and run. I helped Josh put three together for friends from his class on our street and then he and Daddy did the delivering— and running.

As moms we must get over the need to try to replicate other family’s traditions and then be disappointed when we can’t do it all or we end up in bed three days following. Make your own and drop the guilt. There may even be some you wish to avoid. Sure, my mom gave me “the look” when Josh wore a Christmas Old Navy shirt to Christmas Eve service one year, but my tradition was not going to be to fight over clothes on Christmas Eve. And the Lord has blessed me. Joshua recently asked for a tie to wear to church! (And I promptly complied, although it has teeny tiny skulls on it beside the lion logos on the classic striped tie. Please, no lectures. I don’t like skulls either)

Your family traditions may be piling in the car with hot chocolate and driving around to see Christmas lights. It may be putting together shoebox gift for Samaritan’s purse. It may be family game night, or cuddling under quilts and watching all the classic Christmas children’s shows.  Whatever it is, it’s yours.

Before the season gets away from you, sit down and make a list of a few things you value and memories you want to instill in your children’s childhood. Then realistically decide which ones to prioritize.

Remember, the years will blur together, so you do not have to do every event every year. Pace yourself and keep it fun. Otherwise, your child’s memories will not be on the celebration, but on mommy saying, “Pleeeeease get dressed. You have 30 seconds to get in the car! This is a fun family tradition and you are not going to ruin it if I have anything to say about it! We’re going to have fun whether you like it or not!” (Or so I’ve heard from other mothers. . . )

One of my favorite scriptures I hope encourages you is “My comfort in my suffering is this: [God’s] promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:50

Lisa Copen
Rest Ministries, Director

Are you a mom with illness? Lisa is writing a
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by Lisa Copen

A popular office supply store commercial shows mothers and fathers riding shopping carts around the store to the tune of “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” (typically heard at Christmas time.) For decades mothers have been made to feel that we should all be crying as the bus stopped at the corner and our little ones (and not so little ones) climbed on and drove off for hours of “edu-tainment.” Only “bad moms” rushed inside the house, called their friends, and relished being able to finish an entire cup of coffee.

The first day my then three-year-old son rode the school bus off to some school district occupational therapy (where he learned to hold a pair of scissors and cut so well he could take on Edward Scissorhands), I buckled him into the bus seat and then followed behind in the car. The bus drove over five miles to pick up a couple other children and go to the school. I wanted to make sure that he arrived safely. Translation: that the adventure was trauma and tear-free. But when he started kindergarten last year, a full day from 8 a.m. to 2:20 p.m., I quietly celebrated.

As a mom with a chronic illness, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, I had reached my goal of getting him into school before my body crumbled and required many episodes of surgical repair. I used my first few weeks as I had planned, organizing National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, which my ministry sponsors. I had surgery scheduled the first of October, following my fortieth birthday. God had other plans.

Instead I ended up with edema in my legs, then cellulitis, then a staph infection in my ankle, which required many trips to the wound care center. By November, my wound had developed the flesh eating bacteria, and my hospital stay –my first one ever— ended up being seven days. It was February before I was back to about fifty percent of my self and abilities and then I was playing catch up, trying to figure out where my son’s academics needed help and trying to become his advocate.

For the parent with a chronic illness, school is a place where the children can be themselves. They are not defined by what our abilities are or are not. (“Don’t run ahead, mommy can’t keep up with you.” “Yes, we’re going to ride the rides at the fair, but first mommy has to get a wheelchair.”) They can run and play and learn about spider webs, or struggle over those mathematical story problems like we did at their age.

Their days are no longer filled with our doctor’s appointments, lab work, phone calls to the insurance company, or even our tears when it all gets to be too much. The selfish side of us may want to hold them close and not let them go out into the world. But we have to admit that our world isn’t all that terrific sometimes, right?

Our children should not live with the burden of having to take care of us, hear us describe in detail our latest symptoms with four different nurses, or accompany us to all of the doctor’s appointment and pharmacy lines.

We can raise our children to become sensitive and compassionate adults and this comes from a well-balanced amount of exposure to our symptoms and our struggles.

So if you are a mom or dad with a chronic illness and you want to jump up and down with joy that your child is heading back to school, you have my understanding and you don’t need to feel guilty about it. All any of us really want is what is best for our children. Sometimes, that means bumping them out of the nest so they can fly—especially the days when we need the nest to lay down and take a nap.

About the Author:
Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries, the largest Christian organization that specifically serves those who live with chronic illness or pain at restministries.com . She is the author of various books including “Beyond Casseroles” 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” and she is currently working on a book for Christian moms with chronic illness. You can sign up to share your stories and feedback at http://momwithillness.com

She lives with her husband and 6-year-old son in San Diego, CA, and like most moms, she does a large percentage of her writing from the sidelines of Tae Kwon Do practice and McDonald’s playland visits. Lisa has had rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since age 24, in 1993.

One of my favorite scriptures I hope encourages you is “My comfort in my suffering is this: [God’s] promise preserves my life.” Psalm 119:50